WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Pentagon confirmed today that the U.S. military is planning to replace the troops with hockey players by 2020, believing the change gives the United States the best chance to win.
“My job is to make sure to adapt the military to changing realities,” said Gen. Joseph Dumford, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs. “And the fact of the matter is that today’s hockey players are tougher than anyone. You know it and I know it. I saw a guy get hit in the face last night with a stick, get a bunch of stitches and not miss a shift. You think a baseball player would do that? They’d miss a month. You think a troop would do that? Many of them, sure. But not all.”
A spokesman said the Pentagon has been considering a shift to hockey players since early last year when a senior Army official shared a Facebook meme that illustrated how much tougher NHL players are than NBA players.
“Then the discussion grew from there,” said the spokesman. “We asked: ‘If hockey players are tougher than other athletes, then who is tougher than hockey players?’ We settled on no one and that’s when it was decided what needed to be done to protect the country.”
However, Gen. Dumford stated that current members of the U.S. men’s hockey national team will not be considered as troop replacements.
“Absolutely not,” he said. “They’re terrible. We’d all be speaking Canadian by the weekend.”