(SP) – The NHL announced today that the league’s officials will again unfairly call non-penalties against your favorite team this season, while letting their opponents get away with murder.
“There were some discussions about getting impartial referees in place for the 2017-2018 season,” said commissioner Gary Bettman. “But in the end we decided there was too much tradition and history to having them purposely try to take down your specific team every single night. And so that is how it will remain.”
The league said it will specifically hit your favorite team for anything that looks even remotely like tripping or slashing, while ignoring blatant penalties — including boarding and cross checks — committed by their opponents.
“The whole thing is going to be rigged against your team,” said the commissioner. “We don’t even care if a player on your team is hit in the back of the head with a stick being wielded like a battle axe. We’ll get him with embellishment.”
In addition to going after your favorite team, the league said it will again allow the Penguins and Blackhawks to “get away with everything.”
“Unless, of course, they are your favorite teams, in which case they are unfairly targeted by refs just because they are skilled and the league wants to keep it competitive,” said the commissioner.