WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to the latest draft of the Republican plan to replace Obamacare, the future of American healthcare will be up to the magic spray used in European soccer matches.
“In seeking to reduce costs and provide access to healthcare for all, we had to adopt best practices from all across the world,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan. “The one place we uncovered the greatest savings was with the aerosol spray used in soccer overseas. According to video evidence, it quickly heals everything from broken limbs to serious internal injuries, all for the cost of spray-on deodorant. I’m confident the American healthcare system is now fixed and it honestly wasn’t that hard to do.”
Ryan also made it clear that no Republican elected officials discovered the magic spray by watching soccer themselves, a careful political statement that shows the Speaker is concerned about blowback from the virulently anti-soccer Republican voting base.
“A Congressional page knew an intern who had a friend who was at a bar where soccer was on and happened to see the magic spray,” said Ryan. “I don’t know why the Democrats never proposed using the magic spray because they undoubtedly watch European soccer all the time. It’s their favorite sport because they don’t love America or identify with real Americans. But I just like good American football. The touchdowns and the tackling, the throwing, the running. It’s all great.”
Under the Republican plan, Americans will have the opportunity to purchase one can of magic spray per household member per month. Any healthcare needs that somehow can’t be fixed by the magic spray will be offered at a minimum price of $175,000.
“America lived under the tyranny of Obamacare, but our magic spray-based system is what freedom feels like,” said Ryan of the new plan. “Freedom is the cool aerosol mist of life.”
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