Duke has been eliminated from the NCAA Tournament before the Sweet 16. Same with Rick Pitino. Same with Northwestern, who was a fun team to root against just to see your least favorite sports media personalities get sad about their alma mater failing.
All of those teams losing is fun … but now there is an unfortunate hatred void with half of the Tournament left to go. Oh, no! Here is a guide to help you find a new team to root against:
Arizona: There is no such thing as a “dry heat.” That is propaganda by Arizona officials to get your senile grandparents to move to the their dead state and then steal their Social Security checks. Wet, dry … it’s all miserable in 110 degrees. Only sociopaths would choose to live and work in such a place and we shouldn’t root for sociopaths to have success in our society. On that, at least, we can all agree.
Baylor: It’s Baylor.
Butler: Bulldogs have been bred to the point that 80% are delivered via c-section because their heads are too big to fit through the mother’s birth canal. That’s a fact. So if you support Butler, you are anti-vagina. That’s another fact.
Florida: Florida getting eliminated in humiliating fashion would undoubtedly produce some amazing police blotter stories the next day featuring nudity, alligators and gun-toting Floridians high on bath salts. Those stories will happen anyway even if they advance, but the Gators losing will probably give us more.
Gonzaga: Gonzaga’s elimination in 2006 created one of the greatest moments in NCAA Tournament history when Adam Morrison sobbed on the court. Let’s not blow the opportunity to see a modern sequel.
Kansas: Kansas is such an awful place that even the Kansas City that everyone knows moved one state over. That’s like New York City saying: “Screw it. We’re putting the city in Connecticut now.”
Kentucky: Your favorite school at least pretends to care about education. Kentucky doesn’t even bother with the facade and so it continues to crush opponents with what is essentially an NBA D-League franchise. Unfair!
Michigan: Michigan winning would provide joy to Tom Brady, Jim Harbaugh and Derek Jeter. Hard pas2.
North Carolina: Most studies find the Tar Heels to be the most loathsome college basketball program in the state of North Carolina after Duke.
Oregon: The Oregon athletic department is essentially funded by Nike, a company whose rise was built on sweatshop labor. But, hey, if you enjoy child labor, then by all means cheer for Oregon. Don’t let the screams of children ruin your weekend sports fun.
Purdue: There is nothing explicitly hateable about Purdue. Oh, right: Purdue is the most boring university in the world.
South Carolina: South Carolina was the first state to secede from the United States. Even worse: they came back.
UCLA: LaVar Ball.
West Virginia: “Clean” coal isn’t a thing, dumb asses. Go find a new job and stop relying on the government to save you.
Wisconsin: Badgers are members of the skunk family, but evolved to the point that they are incapable of spraying. Badgers are just defenseless skunks. This team is basically named the Wisconsin Cuck Skunks. Pathetic.
Xavier: St. Francis Xavier, for whom the university is named, supposedly raised 10 different people from the dead. Sounds good … until you realize that he chose to NOT raise millions of others from the dead. So he’s a basically a murderer. Even Baylor didn’t name their university after a murderer. (Missed branding opportunity there, Baylor.)