OKLAHOMA CITY – An MRI conducted to reveal the damage done when Kevin Durant hyperextended his knee on Tuesday night led to the discovery of two other serious conditions afflicting the Golden State Warriors star, team sources confirmed today: the lack of a heart and the absence of the clutch gene.
“There’s nothing too serious with the knee, fortunately,” said a team official. “But obviously the lack of heart and not having a clutch gene are two things that are essentially fatal for a basketball player and there’s nothing we can do about it. We’re all in shock and trying to process it and figure a way forward from here.”
Before giving Durant the MRI on his left knee, injured when teammate Zaza Pachulia fell into in the first quarter against the Wizards, a team doctor checked his basic vitals and curiously heard no heartbeat and could not detect a pulse. Closer inspection revealed Durant has no heart and a subsequent blood test uncovered he does not possess the clutch gene.
“I guess we didn’t give Kevin a full physical before signing him,” Warriors GM Bob Myers said today. “That was all in the haze of blowing a 3-1 lead in the Finals with the unanimous league MVP, so I’m not sure exactly what the thinking was. I think we just knew Kevin Durant is a big-name player and one we were happy to sign and the kind of guy who could make sure 3-1 never happens again. But obviously that’s not the case. We should have done our due diligence.”
Doctors say that without a heart and clutch gene, Durant can still have a long career — but can never become the sort of player who can deliver championships for his team.
“We’re talking a career full of 20-point per game seasons and playoff appearances,” said one doctor. “But lots of postseason runs that come up short and big shots missed at important times. Basically what we’ve seen from Kevin so far in his career continuing until the rest of his body gives out. It’s sad, but there’s nothing he can do about it. He was born this way. I hope the fans and the media keep that in mind and aren’t too hard on him.”