These men can win an election fight. But who would win in a real fight?

44. William Henry Harrison

Height: 5’8″

Age in Office: 42

Party: Whig

State: Ohio

Scouting Report: He died of pneumonia 32 days into his term. Harrison’s best chance of defeating his opponent would be hacking phlegm into his eyes and then passing out on top of him.


43. Jimmy Carter

Height: 5’9″

Age in Office: 52

Party: Democrat

State: Georgia

Scouting Report: The former peanut farmer would destroy any opponent with a peanut allergy.


42. Donald Trump

Height: 6’2″

Age in Office: 70

Party: Republican

State: New York

Scouting Report: Advanced age, tiny hands, a soft midsection and an aversion to human touch would make him the clear cuck of a boxing ring.


 

41. Herbert Hoover

Height: 5’11″

Age in Office: 54

Party: Republican

State: Iowa, Oregon, California

Scouting Report: Hoover was a Quaker. Maybe they’re secretly great fighters. You don’t know.


40. John Tyler

Height: 6’0”

Age in Office: 51

Party: Independent

State: Virginia

Scouting Report: The first VP to take over for a dead president. He could handle seeing a man die, so he wouldn’t be scared to crack open a man’s skull.


39. Calvin Coolidge

Height: 5’10”

Age in Office: 51

Party: Republican

State: Massachusetts

Scouting Report: Don’t think his “laissez-faire” approach to government would mean he’d keep his hands off his opponent in a battle.


38. Millard Fillmore

Height: 5’9”

Age in Office: 50

Party: Whig

State: New York

Scouting Report: Probably got to practice fighting a lot due to being named Millard Fillmore.


37. James Madison

Height: 5’4”

Age in Office: 57

Party: Democratic-Republican

State: Virginia

Scouting Report: He wrote the Bill of Rights, but he still might inflict cruel and unusual punishment on you.


36. Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Height: 6’2”

Age in Office: 51

Party: Democrat

State: New York

Scouting Report: He likely built up remarkable upper body strength from using his wheelchair.


35. James Monroe

Height: 6’0”

Age in Office: 58

Party: Democratic-Republican

State: Virginia

Scouting Report: His Monroe Doctrine warned Europe not to step to this. He’s not scared.


34. John Quincy Adams

Height: 5’7”

Age in Office: 57

Party: Whig

State: Massachusetts

Scouting Report: It’s never smart to fight a man with mutton chops.


33. Warren G. Harding

Height: 6’0”

Age in Office: 55

Party: Republican

State: Ohio

Scouting Report: His administration was plagued by scandals — evidence he’d do anything to win.


32. Benjamin Harrison

Height: 5’6”

Age in Office: 55

Party: Republican

State: Ohio

Scouting Report: He was a strong proponent of protectionism, suggesting he’d be hard to land punches on.


31. John Adams

Height: 5’7”

Age in Office: 61

Party: Federalist

State: Massachusetts

Scouting Report: He’s 5-foot-7 and from Boston. Had to be a wicked tough scrappah.


30. James Buchanan

Height: 6’0”

Age in Office: 65

Party: Democrat

State: Pennsylvania

Scouting Report: The only bachelor president, meaning he would have no family obligations that might make him think twice about killing a man.


29. Chester A. Arthur

Height: 6’0”

Age in Office: 50

Party: Republican

State: Vermont

Scouting Report: A noted reformer who likely wouldn’t hesitate to reform the features of his opponent’s face.


28. Woodrow Wilson

Height: 5’11”

Age in Office: 56

Party: Democratic

State: Virginia

Scouting Report: Oh, only won the first World War.


27. George H.W. Bush

Height: 6’2”

Age in Office: 64

Party: Republican

State: Texas

Scouting Report: You don’t want to mess with a man who will skydive in his 80s. Read his lips: He’ll eff you up.


26. James K. Polk

Height: 5’8”

Age in Office: 49

Party: Democrat

State: North Carolina

Scouting Report: He annexed Texas, perhaps our most fightin’ and gun-wielding state.


25. Franklin Pierce

Height: 5’10”

Age in Office: 48

Party: Democrat

State: New Hampshire

Scouting Report: Our first alcoholic president. No telling what he’d do.


24. Martin Van Buren

Height: 5’6”

Age in Office: 54

Party: Democratic

State: New York

Scouting Report: He was the first president born in the United States AND he looks crazy enough to kill a man.


23. Grover Cleveland

Height: 5’11”

Age in Office: 55

Party: Democrat

State: New Jersey

Scouting Report: He won two non-consecutive terms, proving it was impossible to keep him on the canvas.


22. Bill Clinton

Height: 6’2”

Age in Office: 46

Party: Democrat

State: Arkansas

Scouting Report: Smooth with his words and the ladies. Probably even smoother with a switchblade.


21. George W. Bush

Height: 5’11”

Age in Office: 54

Party: Republican

State: Texas

Scouting Report: He could run a 7-minute mile as president. That’s endurance that would help in a long bout.


20. Andrew Johnson

Height: 5’10”

Age in Office: 56

Party: Democrat

State: North Carolina

Scouting Report: He presided over Reconstruction. Who’s to say he wouldn’t reconstruct a man’s face.


19. Harry Truman

Height: 5’9”

Age in Office: 60

Party: Democrat

State: Missouri

Scouting Report: He dropped two nuclear bombs. There’s no telling what bombs he’d drop in a fight.


18. William McKinley

Height: 5’7”

Age in Office: 54

Party: Republican

State: Ohio

Scouting Report: A former soldier who won the Spanish-American War, which even sounds like the promotional name for a boxing match.


17. James Garfield

Height: 6’0”

Age in Office: 49

Party: Republican

State: Missouri

Scouting Report: A distinguished soldier who helped build up the U.S. Navy, he wouldn’t hesitate to get martial.


16. Richard Nixon

Height: 5’11”

Age in Office: 56

Party: Republican

State: California

Scouting Report: Known for being dirty and mean. Not the kind of person you want to face in a fight. Nixon is the kind of president who kicks another man in the testicles.


15. Zachary Taylor

Height: 5’8”

Age in Office: 64

Party: Whig

State: Virginia

Scouting Report: The first president to brandish a weapon in his official portrait. He obviously took kicking ass very seriously.


14. Barack Obama

Height: 6’1”

Age in Office: 47

Party: Democrat

State: Illinois

Scouting Report: Thin and athletic enough to play basketball, he loves drone attacks and had Osama Bin Laden taken out. A stone cold assassin.


13. Rutherford B. Hayes

Height: 5’8”

Age in Office: 54

Party: Republican

State: Whig

Scouting Report: He was a Major General in the Union Army. And there’s no telling what weapons he could hide in that beard.


12. John F. Kennedy

Height: 6’0”

Age in Office: 43

Party: Democrat

State: Massachusetts

Scouting Report: The youngest man elected to the presidency at 43, he wouldn’t tire in a fight like his old competitors.


11. Thomas Jefferson

Height: 6’2”

Age in Office: 57

Party: Democratic-Republican

State: Virginia

Scouting Report: He was 6-feet, 2.5-inches, had a strong jaw and was so badass he wrote his own Bible.


10. William Howard Taft

Height: 5’11”

Age in Office: 51

Party: Republican

State: Ohio

Scouting Report: He broke 300 pounds and would easily outweigh any other challenger.


9. Ronald Reagan

Height: 6’1”

Age in Office: 69

Party: Republican

State: California

Scouting Report: He stared down the Soviet Union, meaning he essentially beat Ivan Drago.


8. Lyndon B. Johnson

Height: 6’4”

Age in Office: 54

Party: Democrat

State: Texas

Scouting Report: He was 6-foot-4 and from Texas. So he was big and probably armed.


7. Gerald Ford

Height: 6’0”

Age in Office: 60

Party: Republican

State: Nebraska

Scouting Report: He was a lineman at Michigan. Back when Michigan wasn’t, you know, horrid at football.


6. Dwight Eisenhower

Height: 5’10”

Age in Office: 62

Party: Republican

State: Texas

Scouting Report: Football star. War hero. Ass kicker.


5. Ulysses S. Grant

Height: 5’8”

Age in Office: 46

Party: Republican

State: Ohio

Scouting Report: Kicked secesh ass in the Civil War. So he wouldn’t have any problem putting down an uprising of one.


4. George Washington

Height: 6’2”

Age in Office: 57

Party: Independent

State: Virginia

Scouting Report: A 6-foot-2 former army general who beat the world’s leading power.


3. Abraham Lincoln

Height: 6’4”

Age in Office: 52

Party: Republican

State: Illinois

Scouting Report: Tall (6’4″) with a long reach, Lincoln also had strength and was nicknamed “The Rail Splitter.”


2. Andrew Jackson

Height: 6’1”

Age in Office: 61

Party: Democrat

State: Tennessee

Scouting Report: His nicknames included Old Hickory and King Mob. Those are badass names. He also once killed a man in a duel.


1. Theodore Roosevelt

Height: 5’10”

Age in Office: 42

Party: Republican

State: New York

Scouting Report: Hunter, adventurer. All-around ass-kicker. President you don’t want to mess with.

Previously published on SportsPickle.

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