These men can win an election fight. But who would win in a real fight?
44. William Henry Harrison
Height: 5’8″
Age in Office: 42
Party: Whig
State: Ohio
Scouting Report: He died of pneumonia 32 days into his term. Harrison’s best chance of defeating his opponent would be hacking phlegm into his eyes and then passing out on top of him.
43. Jimmy Carter
Height: 5’9″
Age in Office: 52
Party: Democrat
State: Georgia
Scouting Report: The former peanut farmer would destroy any opponent with a peanut allergy.
42. Donald Trump
Height: 6’2″
Age in Office: 70
Party: Republican
State: New York
Scouting Report: Advanced age, tiny hands, a soft midsection and an aversion to human touch would make him the clear cuck of a boxing ring.
41. Herbert Hoover
Height: 5’11″
Age in Office: 54
Party: Republican
State: Iowa, Oregon, California
Scouting Report: Hoover was a Quaker. Maybe they’re secretly great fighters. You don’t know.
40. John Tyler
Height: 6’0”
Age in Office: 51
Party: Independent
State: Virginia
Scouting Report: The first VP to take over for a dead president. He could handle seeing a man die, so he wouldn’t be scared to crack open a man’s skull.
39. Calvin Coolidge
Height: 5’10”
Age in Office: 51
Party: Republican
State: Massachusetts
Scouting Report: Don’t think his “laissez-faire” approach to government would mean he’d keep his hands off his opponent in a battle.
38. Millard Fillmore
Height: 5’9”
Age in Office: 50
Party: Whig
State: New York
Scouting Report: Probably got to practice fighting a lot due to being named Millard Fillmore.
37. James Madison
Height: 5’4”
Age in Office: 57
Party: Democratic-Republican
State: Virginia
Scouting Report: He wrote the Bill of Rights, but he still might inflict cruel and unusual punishment on you.
36. Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Height: 6’2”
Age in Office: 51
Party: Democrat
State: New York
Scouting Report: He likely built up remarkable upper body strength from using his wheelchair.
35. James Monroe
Height: 6’0”
Age in Office: 58
Party: Democratic-Republican
State: Virginia
Scouting Report: His Monroe Doctrine warned Europe not to step to this. He’s not scared.
34. John Quincy Adams
Height: 5’7”
Age in Office: 57
Party: Whig
State: Massachusetts
Scouting Report: It’s never smart to fight a man with mutton chops.
33. Warren G. Harding
Height: 6’0”
Age in Office: 55
Party: Republican
State: Ohio
Scouting Report: His administration was plagued by scandals — evidence he’d do anything to win.
32. Benjamin Harrison
Height: 5’6”
Age in Office: 55
Party: Republican
State: Ohio
Scouting Report: He was a strong proponent of protectionism, suggesting he’d be hard to land punches on.
31. John Adams
Height: 5’7”
Age in Office: 61
Party: Federalist
State: Massachusetts
Scouting Report: He’s 5-foot-7 and from Boston. Had to be a wicked tough scrappah.
30. James Buchanan
Height: 6’0”
Age in Office: 65
Party: Democrat
State: Pennsylvania
Scouting Report: The only bachelor president, meaning he would have no family obligations that might make him think twice about killing a man.
29. Chester A. Arthur
Height: 6’0”
Age in Office: 50
Party: Republican
State: Vermont
Scouting Report: A noted reformer who likely wouldn’t hesitate to reform the features of his opponent’s face.
28. Woodrow Wilson
Height: 5’11”
Age in Office: 56
Party: Democratic
State: Virginia
Scouting Report: Oh, only won the first World War.
27. George H.W. Bush
Height: 6’2”
Age in Office: 64
Party: Republican
State: Texas
Scouting Report: You don’t want to mess with a man who will skydive in his 80s. Read his lips: He’ll eff you up.
26. James K. Polk
Height: 5’8”
Age in Office: 49
Party: Democrat
State: North Carolina
Scouting Report: He annexed Texas, perhaps our most fightin’ and gun-wielding state.
25. Franklin Pierce
Height: 5’10”
Age in Office: 48
Party: Democrat
State: New Hampshire
Scouting Report: Our first alcoholic president. No telling what he’d do.
24. Martin Van Buren
Height: 5’6”
Age in Office: 54
Party: Democratic
State: New York
Scouting Report: He was the first president born in the United States AND he looks crazy enough to kill a man.
23. Grover Cleveland
Height: 5’11”
Age in Office: 55
Party: Democrat
State: New Jersey
Scouting Report: He won two non-consecutive terms, proving it was impossible to keep him on the canvas.
22. Bill Clinton
Height: 6’2”
Age in Office: 46
Party: Democrat
State: Arkansas
Scouting Report: Smooth with his words and the ladies. Probably even smoother with a switchblade.
21. George W. Bush
Height: 5’11”
Age in Office: 54
Party: Republican
State: Texas
Scouting Report: He could run a 7-minute mile as president. That’s endurance that would help in a long bout.
20. Andrew Johnson
Height: 5’10”
Age in Office: 56
Party: Democrat
State: North Carolina
Scouting Report: He presided over Reconstruction. Who’s to say he wouldn’t reconstruct a man’s face.
19. Harry Truman
Height: 5’9”
Age in Office: 60
Party: Democrat
State: Missouri
Scouting Report: He dropped two nuclear bombs. There’s no telling what bombs he’d drop in a fight.
18. William McKinley
Height: 5’7”
Age in Office: 54
Party: Republican
State: Ohio
Scouting Report: A former soldier who won the Spanish-American War, which even sounds like the promotional name for a boxing match.
17. James Garfield
Height: 6’0”
Age in Office: 49
Party: Republican
State: Missouri
Scouting Report: A distinguished soldier who helped build up the U.S. Navy, he wouldn’t hesitate to get martial.
16. Richard Nixon
Height: 5’11”
Age in Office: 56
Party: Republican
State: California
Scouting Report: Known for being dirty and mean. Not the kind of person you want to face in a fight. Nixon is the kind of president who kicks another man in the testicles.
15. Zachary Taylor
Height: 5’8”
Age in Office: 64
Party: Whig
State: Virginia
Scouting Report: The first president to brandish a weapon in his official portrait. He obviously took kicking ass very seriously.
14. Barack Obama
Height: 6’1”
Age in Office: 47
Party: Democrat
State: Illinois
Scouting Report: Thin and athletic enough to play basketball, he loves drone attacks and had Osama Bin Laden taken out. A stone cold assassin.
13. Rutherford B. Hayes
Height: 5’8”
Age in Office: 54
Party: Republican
State: Whig
Scouting Report: He was a Major General in the Union Army. And there’s no telling what weapons he could hide in that beard.
12. John F. Kennedy
Height: 6’0”
Age in Office: 43
Party: Democrat
State: Massachusetts
Scouting Report: The youngest man elected to the presidency at 43, he wouldn’t tire in a fight like his old competitors.
11. Thomas Jefferson
Height: 6’2”
Age in Office: 57
Party: Democratic-Republican
State: Virginia
Scouting Report: He was 6-feet, 2.5-inches, had a strong jaw and was so badass he wrote his own Bible.
10. William Howard Taft
Height: 5’11”
Age in Office: 51
Party: Republican
State: Ohio
Scouting Report: He broke 300 pounds and would easily outweigh any other challenger.
9. Ronald Reagan
Height: 6’1”
Age in Office: 69
Party: Republican
State: California
Scouting Report: He stared down the Soviet Union, meaning he essentially beat Ivan Drago.
8. Lyndon B. Johnson
Height: 6’4”
Age in Office: 54
Party: Democrat
State: Texas
Scouting Report: He was 6-foot-4 and from Texas. So he was big and probably armed.
7. Gerald Ford
Height: 6’0”
Age in Office: 60
Party: Republican
State: Nebraska
Scouting Report: He was a lineman at Michigan. Back when Michigan wasn’t, you know, horrid at football.
6. Dwight Eisenhower
Height: 5’10”
Age in Office: 62
Party: Republican
State: Texas
Scouting Report: Football star. War hero. Ass kicker.
5. Ulysses S. Grant
Height: 5’8”
Age in Office: 46
Party: Republican
State: Ohio
Scouting Report: Kicked secesh ass in the Civil War. So he wouldn’t have any problem putting down an uprising of one.
4. George Washington
Height: 6’2”
Age in Office: 57
Party: Independent
State: Virginia
Scouting Report: A 6-foot-2 former army general who beat the world’s leading power.
3. Abraham Lincoln
Height: 6’4”
Age in Office: 52
Party: Republican
State: Illinois
Scouting Report: Tall (6’4″) with a long reach, Lincoln also had strength and was nicknamed “The Rail Splitter.”
2. Andrew Jackson
Height: 6’1”
Age in Office: 61
Party: Democrat
State: Tennessee
Scouting Report: His nicknames included Old Hickory and King Mob. Those are badass names. He also once killed a man in a duel.
1. Theodore Roosevelt
Height: 5’10”
Age in Office: 42
Party: Republican
State: New York
Scouting Report: Hunter, adventurer. All-around ass-kicker. President you don’t want to mess with.
Previously published on SportsPickle.
