Spurs: You thought Gregg Popovich should be president even before a few months ago.

Clippers: You think the NBA community puts too much focus on being the best team in the league instead of just enjoying being better than the Lakers.

Jazz: You assume every black person you see in Salt Lake City is on the Jazz or in town to play against the Jazz (and you are correct).

Hawks: You appreciate the Hawks because they will never get your hopes up like the Falcons did.

Bulls: You think the worst PR for United was not beating a passenger unconscious, but having its name on the building where the Bulls played this year.

Celtics: You think the old Isiah Thomas should change his name to avoid confusion, preferably to something like Worsethan Dennis Johnson.

Raptors: You are glad Vince Carter is still playing in the NBA because it raises the chances that your dream of seeing Vince Carter die in front of you will come true.

Warriors: You are glad the Warriors are moving because you won’t have to travel to Oakland just to prove you’re not a bandwagon fan.

Cavaliers: You don’t care if Kyrie Irving’s influence makes every child in the state of Ohio an anti-science moron as long as he hits big shots in the playoffs.

Grizzlies: You’ve come to realize that, right or wrong, no number of early-round playoff exits will ever spoil your joy from Memphis somehow having a professional sports team.

Wizards: You think a Wizards-Cavaliers “rivalry” is a thing that exists.

Trailblazers: You’ve really taken to C.J. McCollum because an NBA star playing college basketball at Lehigh is basically the sports equivalent of being a really good indie band most people never heard of.

Pacers: As much as you love Paul George, you are fully prepared to burn his jersey and claim half the Beatles were overrated as soon as he goes to the Lakers.

Bucks: You can spell Giannis Antetokounmpo correctly within your first seven attempts.

Rockets: You don’t understand why Russell Westbrook is being handed the MVP over James Harden by everyone just because he had an objectively better season than Harden.

Thunder: You’ll never be able to root for a traitorous franchise player like the Thunder Kevin Durant that bailed on Seattle an entire city.


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