1. The Fat Guy
Ohmigod! A lineman listed at 290 pounds showed up closer to 300! Let’s all FREAK OUT! Who could have predicted an incredibly overweight person would gain a few pounds over six months of down time? He needs to drop weight — and FAST! — to show that he is dedicated to his profession and his team.
(Then, once the season starts, he can pack as much weight as he wants to back on because no one will be weighing him so it won’t be an issue. And we need him to control the line of scrimmage. So, please, get heavy again, fella!)
2. The Undrafted Superstar
This guy can run and jump like an Olympic superstar. For some unknown reason, he just didn’t get a lot of playing time in college. It was probably politics. But now he’s in your team’s camp and he’s going to light the NFL world on fire. A good 60-percent of the posts on team message boards are about this amazing prospect.
Oh. Turns out he didn’t play much in college because, while he can run and jump, he kind of … you know … sucks at the football. However, if the decathlon would break out in the middle of a football game, he’d be the favorite. That’s got to be worth something!
3. The Late-Round Project
Your team got this guy in the later rounds of the draft and he just has a few rough edges that need some burnishing. He could very well be your team’s missing piece — the one that makes them a legit title contender. Surely all the flaws in his game that weren’t fixed in four years of high school football and four years of college will be fixed in three weeks of training camp. Surely.
4. The White Fan Favorite
This guy is usually a combination between The Late-Round Project and The Undrafted Superstar. Except he’s white. And he probably already has sold 5,000 jerseys. But it’s not so much a racial thing, it’s just that … I don’t know … a lot of fans identify with him somehow.
It could be because chances are he’ll be just like them in a few weeks in that he also won’t be employed as an NFL football player.
5. The Veteran Who Just Wants To Win
This guy has been a featured player in the past when he was younger. But now he just wants to win. That’s why he’s taking a reduced role and less money than he’s ever made. Oddly, this decision on just wanting to win coincided with no NFL team wanting to pay him big money anymore for a featured role.
6. The “Best Shape of My Life” Guy
This player has shown up to camp in “the best shape of my life!” Hey, good for you, guy! Bad news, though — in three weeks, all the other players on the team will also be in great shape, too. Looks like you wasted your offseason when you could have been having fun. Whoops.
7. The Injury Comeback
He missed most or all of last-season with a serious injury. But he’s been rehabbing non-stop in order to get back to where he was. He’s never wanted something so bad in his whole life. And the team has given him their full support. (Except for those three possible replacements they drafted.)
8. The Holdout
What a greedy asshole this guy is. Who cares if the average NFL career lasts four years and many players suffer debilitating injuries? Take what the team is offering and get on the field! We’ve got the Titans in a month!
9. The Player Entering a Contract Year
See that guy running full-speed past everyone else who’s jogging? That’s him.