Maple Leafs: You hope whoever wins the Cup this year appreciates it, because you’re confident the Leafs will win the next 20.
Capitals: You inspire many who know you with your ability to maintain hope despite years of crushing failure. (Everyone else who knows you thinks you’re the dumbest person they’ve ever met.)
Canadiens: You think modern society gets too caught up in the day-to-day, 24-hour news cycle and should focus more on what was good and important back in the 1950s, ’60s and ’70s.
Predators: You want to close the U.S. border to everyone except Swedish hockey players.
Red Wings: This article isn’t for you anymore. Go away.
Blackhawks: You would be excited if your sister told you she was dating Patrick Kane.
Flames: You can’t wait to see how good Johnny Gaudreau will be after he hits puberty.
Ducks: You feel that anything good that happens in the playoffs is icing on the delicious cake that is the Kings being a disaster.
Penguins: You won’t let the fact that Pittsburgh has been blessed with the primes of Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Jaromir Jagr and Mario Lemieux over the last 30 years dissuade you from your belief that the Penguins don’t get any breaks.
Rangers: You wish Henrik Lundqvist wore a clear mask so you could gaze upon his beauty throughout each game.
Bruins: Thanks to Brad Marchand and Dustin Pedroia, you have come to believe that a rat face is a sign of a great athlete.
Senators: You don’t really exist.
Blues: You’re terrified the Capitals will win the Cup and make your team hockey’s go-to postseason punchline.
Blue Jackets: When you watch Seth Jones’ speed, power and elusiveness, you can’t help but think he would make an amazing defensive end for Ohio State.
Wild: You won’t want to fire Bruce Boudreau for his playoff failures for at least another year.
Sharks: You’re hoping last year’s run to the Cup Finals will give the Sharks much-needed experience for this year as long as the team’s core players don’t die of old age before June.
Oilers: You hope whoever wins the Cup this year appreciates it, because you’re confident Connor McDavid will win the next 20.