Patriots still unaware Roger Goodell rubbed his ass all over the Lombardi Trophy

BOSTON – As New England Patriots players continue to hug and kiss the Lombardi Trophy following their remarkable comeback victory over the Atlanta Falcons in Super Bowl LI, commissioner Roger Goodell has been enjoying every minute. Despite his long-running feud with the Patriots organization, those close to Goodell say he was actually happy to present the Lombardi Trophy to Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and and Robert Kraft after the game due to rubbing the trophy in and around his rectum before the post-game ceremony.

“When the Patriots tied it up before the end of regulation, Roger knew what the outcome was going to be,” said a league staffer. “So he ducked out and into the bathroom with the Lombardi for a few minutes. When he came back he had a big smile on his face. I knew right away what he did by the look on his face and I asked him: ‘Did you just rub that on your ass?’ ‘Sure did,’ he said. It was pretty funny. But the trophy had a distinct odor, so I walked away.”

In the days since Super Bowl LI ended, Goodell has lined the walls of his Manhattan office with large, framed photographs of Brady, Belichick and Kraft kissing the trophy that was coated from top to bottom in his fecal bacteria.

“I haven’t seen Roger this happy since the first time he suspended a player back in 2006 in his first year on the job,” said longtime colleague. “The Patriots may have won the Super Bowl, but he’s making them literally eat his ass. Rog is usually a very straight-laced guy, but I’ll give it to him on this. Very well-played.”

According to those who spoke about the commissioner rubbing his undercarriage all over the trophy, they were instructed by Goodell himself to make his actions known publicly.

“He only needed it to be a secret for a few days,” said the league staffer. “But, yeah, now that the Patriots have been tonguing the thing for three days, he wants them to know what they got in their mouths.”