WASHINGTON, DC — President Donald Trump will announce the replace portion of his “repeal and replace” pledge for the Affordable Care Act, with sources confirming that he will institute the NFL’s Heads Up Football program as the healthcare policy of the entire nation.
“A huge part of healthcare, and the one that keeps costs down the most, is prevention,” said a Trump administration official. “And a great way to stay healthy is to keep your head up at all times so you don’t get hurt and have to use the healthcare system. If you look at the data, it’s amazing how many people are hurt every year walking into stuff while on their cellphone. Now we have a solution.”
The NFL created its Heads Up Football program in conjunction with USA Football in 2013 to counter growing public awareness that football was very dangerous to the brains of those who play the sport. The program encourages players to keep their heads up and not hit with the crown of their helmet. The initiative, which independent studies suggest has not prevented any injuries, will now guide the healthcare of all-Americans.
“I think we’ve seen this country go a little soft over the last eight years,” White House press secretary Sean Spicer said today. “Back when America was great, people knew to just rub some dirt on it and get back out there. There were no pre-existing conditions. That wasn’t even a term until recently. There was only heart and grit. A cold, a concussion, cancer — you didn’t run to the doctor for every little thing. We need to get back to that.”
Under America’s Heads Up Football healthcare, those who are not provided with healthcare by their employer will be entitled to one visit with a doctor each year. If the patient can recite certain vital facts — his or her name, the day of the week, where they are — they will be sent back out into society. If not, he or she will be provide with one smelling salt packet and given the rest of the day off.
“The president believes this is a great middle ground between the Affordable Care Act and leaving tens of millions without healthcare,” said Spicer. “And who doesn’t love football, right?”