LANDOVER, MD – Kirk Cousins desperately wants to get out of Washington, but his current team is making that difficult on the quarterback thanks to the franchise tag, a refusal to meet his trade request, and the fact that team owner Dan Snyder has kept Cousins chained in the basement of FedExField for the past three weeks.

The team has refused to comment on whether the QB is being held against his will, but the quarterback’s wife claims she has not seen him for three weeks since he met with team officials at the stadium and notes found on the ground outside a FedExField ventilation shaft suggest Cousins is being held inside.

“Help me,” read one note. “Please help.”

“This is Kirk Cousins,” read another. “I am chained to a wall in the basement. This is not a joke. Please help me.”

But Snyder denies those notes are from Cousins.

“Anyone can write anything on a piece of paper and put it outside a ventilation shaft that goes down to a dark room in the basement with a triple-locking door,” he said. “Plus, this talk of holding him hostage is ludicrous. That sounds like he’s being starved or tortured. We want him to play well next season, so he’d definitely be given a high-protein, low-carb diet to stay strong and in shape.”

Snyder then stopped talking to check something on his phone, a pause during which the sound of faint yelling was heard from below: “Help! It’s Kirk Cousins! I’m trapped in the basement! Can anyone hear me?”

The owner was asked if he heard the yelling and said he sometimes does, but that it is not from his quarterback.

“You are probably just hearing voices from the spirits,” said the owner. “We Redskins are a very spiritual people and departed Redskin people are always around to motivate us to do good at football.”

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