(SP) – The NFL Players Association admitted today that the anthem protests players across the league are conducting are not about treatment of minorities by law enforcement and in American society, as they have repeatedly stated. Instead, the players finally admitted their actions are intended to disrespect the troops – specifically one certain troops: Army Pfc. Steve Randall of Peoria, Illinois.
“The players hate Steve Randall,” said NFLPA director DeMaurice Smith. “Everything about him just rubs them the wrong way. And until Steve is out of the military, the players will continue to kneel.”
Colin Kaepernick, the unemployed quarterback who started kneeling for the anthem a season ago, also admitted he has been trying to disrespect Pft. Randall.
“You know how I repeatedly stated the reasons for my protest so they couldn’t be misconstrued by anyone of good faith?” said Kaepernick. “Making it clear it had nothing to do with the military? That was all a lie. It’s because I hate that troop Steve and it’s been that way from the start. If you see Steve, let him know that I can’t stand him.”
Pft. Randall said he was unaware that the protests were about him until today.
“As a troop, I am taught to judge a situation by the evidence at hand,” he said. “And the only evidence I had in this case was what the players said from the start: that their protests had nothing to do with hating troops. So you can imagine my surprise to find out that they hate me, a troop. I definitely don’t see myself attending any NFL games now, you know, on account of being overseas.”