(SP) – After a week in which the NFL’s confusing and illogical catch rules were again a turning point in an important game, the league this morning clarified the language of its rule book.

“We realized there was continuing confusion about how long a player has to possess a ball, and where on the field, and what constitutes a ‘football move,'” commissioner Roger Goodell said. “So today we are putting all of the question marks behind us for good. In order for a play to be ruled a catch, a player must catch it, not let it hit the ground for the remainder of the game, carry the ball home and then raise it as though it were a human child.”

The new rule says a receiver must do all of the following in order to complete a legal catch:

  • give the football its own room at his house
  • send it to private school
  • pay for the football’s college education
  • attend the football’s wedding
  • be involved in the lives of the football’s grandchildren

If all of those occur, then a catch will be ruled completed and valid. The new rules will likely add several decades to each game. But it is a move Goodell felt was necessary to clear things up.

“These are the kinds of great ideas I am paid to come up with,” he said. “This is a $45 million a year idea right here. I’m doing good.”