BATON ROUGE, LA – SEPTEMBER 23: Head coach Ed Orgeron of the LSU Tigers reacts during the second half of a game against the Syracuse Orange at Tiger Stadium on September 23, 2017 in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. (Photo by Jonathan Bachman/Getty Images)

(SP) – LSU would owe Ed Orgeron a $12 million buyout if they chose to fire him this year, but school officials said they are not concerned about having to pay the large sum because they are “fairly certain he would be unable to read a contract, let alone basic words like ‘contract’ or ‘cat.’”

“I know a lot of people thought we were crazy with the stuff we had in Ed’s contract,” said athletic director Joe Alleva. “But we knew from the start we were probably in the clear because he’s a moron. He didn’t even know to hire an attorney or agent. He signed the contract in crayon. True story.”

LSU officials said they actually tried to stuff Orgeron’s contract full of ridiculous clauses knowing he would never read it.

“We actually put something in there about how if he wins five games, he gets a free unicorn,” said Alleva. “That’s obviously not going to happen, same as the 12 million.”

Orgeron said the buyout is not an issue.

“I like turtles,” he said. “And I like pizza. Do you have pizza?”