(SP) – Prospective NBA lottery pick Lonzo Ball says he is available to be adopted by any adult who would like to have him and let him play basketball in peace and wear stylish sneakers. The former UCLA point guard issued the statement on Twitter today and then said he would be hiding out at a friend’s house until an adoption is complete.
“I just can’t do it anymore,” said Lonzo. “I know my dad wants me to be a success, but it’s too much and the shoes were the last straw. I’m trying to build a basketball career for myself, not be a punchline before I even get into the league. I need to get away. I need to save myself before it’s too late.”
LaVar Ball has offered a reward of $175,000 for the return of his oldest son to him.
“That’s right: a $175,000 award for return of my son, the greatest basketball player ever, or even for information leading to his return,” said Ball. “I should note: it’s not actually $175,000 in case, but that much worth of Big Baller Brand swag. That will get you a pair of flip flops and a knit hat. It’s a great deal.”
Lonzo was seen running away from the Ball house this afternoon, but it was not expected he got very far.
“I saw him running,” said a witness. “But he was wearing those shitty Big Baller shoes and they were breaking apart as he ran. He was probably running on a bare sole with laces by the end of the first block. LaVar will catch him soon.”