GLENDALE, AZ – The contentious debate over whether college athletes should be paid came to an end last night after the nation watched North Carolina and Gonzaga play basketball for 40 minutes in the men’s NCAA Tournament championship game and simultaneously realized that they most definitely should not be.
“Holy crap, that was atrocious,” said one fan who paid $1,400 for a lower level ticket to the game. “I don’t even think those players should even be allowed to eat food free of charge. Not even at a soup kitchen. I thought that UConn-Butler title game a few years ago was an aberration. But all the games must be like this. These terrible athletes should have to suffer and struggle through life for what they subjected us all to.”
Those who were previously in favor of NCAA athletes being compensated financially for the billions in revenue they help generate, did a complete 180 by midway through the second half.
“Think about this: these were the two best teams in the country,” said former UCLA player Ed O’Bannon. “And they were god awful. So how are we going to justify paying players that are even worse than them? We want to reward total failure? Is that where we are as a country?”
Seizing on the sudden shift in opinions, the NCAA announced during the game that athletic scholarships would no longer cover a full course load. Also, schools are now allowed to sell jerseys with player names and numbers on them.
“But only a gag gifts, of course,” said NCAA president Mark Emmert. “Obviously no one would actually aspire to play this these turds. They’re almost all guys who weren’t good enough to go to the NBA after one year. Pretty pathetic if you think about it.”