The 2017 Final Four will feature Gonzaga, Oregon, South Carolina and North Carolina. Everyone is familiar with the Tar Heels, but no one has ever heard of those other three … schools, I assume? … sure, schools. Get to know the three randos in the Final Four a little better with these FAST FACTS.

Gonzaga: 4 Fast Facts!

1. The other three Final Four participants — North Carolina, South Carolina and Oregon — are all named for states. But did you know that Gonzaga is also probably named for the commonwealth of Gonzaga, one of the little-known states in the god-forsaken interior of the country like Montana and Saskatchewan that somehow have two senators even though no one lives there or cares that they exists? Ridiculous.

2. John Stockton went to Gonzaga. Of course, he is famous for being one of the top men’s pornographic upper-thigh models of the 1980s and 1990s.

3. An anagram for Gonzaga Bulldogs is Dang, Bozo Gull Gas.

4. There is nothing else known about Gonzaga.

Oregon: 4 Fast Facts!

1. The word “Oregon” ends with G-O-N, which are the same three letters that start “Gonzaga.” Are Oregon and Gonzaga the same team playing in different uniforms? Oregonzaga? We won’t know for sure until they meet in the Final Four and can’t put two full teams on the court. Then they will be exposed as LIARS.

2. Oregon stole their Duck mascot the Disney character Donald Duck. But Donald Duck was too much of a pussy to do anything about it and was later officially renamed Donald Cuck.

3. Former Oregon football coach Chip Kelly invented the sport of football but, like most geniuses, is not fully appreciated in his time.

4. Oregon’s athletic department receives major funding from Phil Knight, founder of the early 1990s shoe brand British Knights.

South Carolina: 4 Fast Facts!

1. Every white person in the State of South Carolina hates black people, except for the 16 black players on the Gamecocks roster. They think they’re okay.

2. South Carolina head coach Frank Martin feels it would be awesome if your children worked 14-hour days in a coal mine:

https://twitter.com/SDS/status/846044639249551360

3. South Carolina was the first state to secede from the United States in 1860 which, in retrospect, actually seems like a pretty good idea.

4. South Carolina is often called the “Cocks,” which has a connotation many chuckle at. But the team’s actual name is “Gamecocks,” which is named for a famous game South Carolinians have long played with their penises.

Also see … My “imperfect” bracket doesn’t meet society’s standards … and that’s OK

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