KISSIMMEE, FLA — Atlanta Braves pitcher Bartolo Colon arrived at the team’s spring training facility today and declared himself in the “worst shape of my life” and ready to have another successful season.

The 43-year old starter said he spent the offseason following a strict diet of whatever he wanted to eat in any quantity and at any hour, and spent absolutely no time in the gym.

“I thought it was important to let my body rest after having to pitch six innings every five days,” said Colon. “So I’ve barely been off the couch since the World Series ended. I even installed one of those bed pan things under a cushion. I’m absolutely huge right now.”

Braves players and coaches said they could tell Colon was in the worst shape of his life the moment they saw him yesterday.

“He drove onto the property from the parking lot in a jazzy and he was just bulging off the seat in every direction, chins cascading off of chins, and a pizza on his lap,” said Braves GM John Coppolella. “It was a beautiful sight. And then the equipment guy gave him his spring jersey, the same size he had last year, and Bartolo couldn’t close even one button. I’m loving how huge he is. I think it’s going to be his most remarkably successful and baffling season yet.”

Despite Colon’s commitment to not being in shape, he did participate in the team’s afternoon workout, in which players tried to lift a sleeping Colon off of a recliner in the locker room.

Originally published on 2.19.16

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