Phil Jackson decides to end his career a depressing failure

Former Chicago Bulls and Los Angeles Lakers head coach Phil Jackson, who won a record 11 NBA titles as a coach and two more as a player, has reportedly decided to make the final chapter of his basketball career a depressing failure.

According to numerous reports, Jackson will accept the job of president of the New York Knicks, the laughingstock of a basketball franchise that will most assuredly consume in disaster even the most accomplished basketball luminary.

“Phil has accomplished so much in this sport,” said one NBA source. “Why would he want the last thing basketball fans to remember him by to be desperately trying to make an old, expensive, talent-starved team without any draft picks become maybe slightly competitive in a garbage conference? And that’s the best-case scenario, of course. It’s more likely, far more likely, that they get even worse and more embarrassing, based on all recorded Knicks history. I’d provide examples of exactly what could happen, but I’ve learned that even the most creative mind can’t match the reality of the Knicks.”

Kobe Bryant, who starred under Jackson for five of his titles, says he tried to call his former coach to beg him to reconsider.

“With all Phil has accomplished, why risk that legacy? With the Knicks of all teams?” he said. “That’s just begging to be tarnished. I can just read his obituary now: ‘Jackson won the most NBA titles as a coach in history. Unfortunately, he came back to run the Knicks in his late 60s and eventually retired in disgrace, midway through a 6-76 season, the worst in NBA history, the architect of a Knicks team starting Luke Walton and Adam Morrison.’ He doesn’t have to do this. I mean, he wrote a book bitching about the Lakers. Imagine him actually having things to complain about. He won’t be able to handle it.”

However, Michael Jordan — Jackson’s superstar with the Chicago Bulls — disagrees and says he ‘s glad Jackson took the job.

“I think it will be great,” said Jordan. “Nothing personal, but when he fails and people start thinking he sucks, that just makes me look better for winning with him. I’m for anything that makes me look awesome and everyone else look like stupid failures. It’s my favorite thing in life.”