Do NOT … twerk, as the violent shaking will force the NFL to claim any future brain damage you had was twerk-induced.
DO … snow angels because the spiritual display could make it more likely Jesus personally helps your team win.
DO … use league approved props in celebrations, such as a container of Dannon, official yogurt of the NFL, or a Courtyard by Marriot, official hotel of the NFL.
Do NOT … use props that are not league-approved, such as Chobani yogurt, a Sheraton hotel or your dick.
Do NOT … drop to one knee at any point during a celebration, as half of this very dumb country will hate you for disrespecting the troops and the other half will hate you for shoving your religion down their throats.
Do NOT … do any dances that have any roots in gay culture, as Tony Dungy has advised the NFL that such celebrations could be a locker room distraction.
DO … feel free to perform a slow dance to Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” to honor the song Roger Goodell and his lovely wife Jane danced to at their wedding in Montauk in 1997.
Do NOT … do a celebration routine before you reach the end zone, DeSean Jackson.
DO … a celebration routine the first and second time you score against the Browns, but not the third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh and eighth times because show some class, these men have families.
Do NOT … do anything that could be construed as “gang signs” by white people, which means everything.
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