WASHINGTON, D.C. – Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski nearly plunged the world into nuclear war this afternoon when he grabbed the president’s nuclear football in the Oval Office and spiked it to the floor. Staffer scrambled to pick up the device and make sure it had not been activated while Gronkowski kept yelling “Wooo!” and doing crotch chops.
White House press secretary Sean Spicer confirmed there was an “incident” with the nuclear football today, but said “we currently believe we have not launched missiles at any other countries. However, we are still working to confirm that.”
If Gronk’s actions triggered nuclear war and mutually assured destruction with Russia, the tight end would end his career and life on earth with 69 career touchdowns, a fact he was thrilled to announce when informed that he may have inadvertently triggered the end of the world.
“Oh, shit,” said Gronk. “Sixty-nine! Sixty-nine forever! I want to get blown up by 69 bombs! Sixty-nine is da bomb!”
President Trump is reportedly hopeful that Gronkowski did set off the nuclear football with his spike, leading to nuclear holocaust, because then his personal misery of actually having to be president will end.
