QB – Josh McCown, Jets – 17-for-27, 209 yards, 3 TD, INT, 1 rushing TD
Josh McCown decided to unveil his dual-threat running abilities at age 38. He’s got two rushing TDs on the season now. Classic slow play (that you fell for like the moron you are).
RB – T.J. Yeldon, Jaguars – 137 total yards, TD
The Jaguars drafted T.J. Yeldon with their second pick in the 2015 draft specifically to have him go off in Week 7 of the 2017 season. Like, read a scouting report, dumbass.
RB – Latavius Murray, Vikings – 18 carries, 113 yards, TD
You: “But I thought it was pretty clear that Jerick McKinnon was Minnesota’s lead back now.”
How you actually sound: “But I thought it was pretty clear that ba-derp derp derp derpty derp.” [knocks lunch tray out of your hands]
WR – Kenny Stills, Dolphins – 6 catches, 85 yards, 2 TD
You killed Kenny?! No, Kenny killed your team. Lol.
(Get it? It’s a dated pop culture reference to 2003 or something, approximately the last year you had a decent fantasy team.)
WR – Albert Wilson, Chiefs – 1 catch, 63 yards, TD
Kareem Hunt, Tyreek Hill, Travis Kelce, Alex Smith. The Chiefs are full of fantasy stars. You should start all of their players, including whoever this Albert Wilson person is. Duh.
TE – O.J. Howard, Buccaneers – 6 catches, 98 yards, TD
OJ killed two people? No, OJ killed your fantasy team. Lol.
(Get it? It’s a reference to a monster who brutally killed two people.)
Flex – Paul Richardson, Seahawks – 2 catches, 61 yards, TD
No way to see this coming. Don’t beat yourself up about it.