QB – Eli Manning, Giants – 30-for-49, 288 yards, 2 TD, 22 rushing yards, TD
All the greats add wrinkles to their games as they get older. And 36-year old, 14-year veteran Eli Manning showed Sunday that he is now a dual threat, running QB. The fact you didn’t see this coming shows how hopeless you are at fantasy football.
RB – Bilal Powell, Jets – 190 total yards, TD
Want to know what’s better than playing one Jets running back on your fantasy team?
RB – Elijah McGuire, Jets – 131 total yards, TD
Playing two. That’s Fantasy Football 101. And you’re failing like the dumbass you are.
WR – Devin Funchess, Panthers – 7 catches, 70 yards, 2 TD
By playing receivers you have heard of, you’re playing fantasy football checkers. You’ll never win until you start playing Funchess.
WR – Johnny Holton, Raiders – 1 catch, 64 yards, TD
He had two receptions and no touchdowns in 18 career NFL games entering Sunday. It was clear his breakout game was due to happen. Almost as clear as how much of an idiot you are.
TE – Tyler Kroft, Bengals – 6 catches, 68 yards, 2 TD
If you can put a former Rutgers player in your lineup, you do it and then swim in a massive ocean of fantasy points. Everyone knows this.
Flex – J.D. McKissic, Seahawks – 65 total yards, 2 TD
No one knew this guy was going to have a big game. Don’t feel bad about not playing him. Feel bad about every other decision you made in fantasy football. And in life.