Let me guess. You didn’t start any of these guys in Week 1. MORON.
QB – Alex Smith, Chiefs: 28-for-35, 368 yards, 4 TD
Why didn’t you start Alex “The Assassin” Smith this week? Let me guess: because his greatest previous game in 24 years in the NFL was 111 yards passing and no turnovers? You overthought it, idiot.
RB – Mike Gillislee, Patriots: 15 carries, 45 yards, 3 TD
Bill Belichick has 17 running backs on his depth chart, so you didn’t start Gillislee because you didn’t know if he’d even play, let alone get three touchdowns? Uhhh … Bill has two Ls, Gillislee has two Ls. It couldn’t have been more obvious who he was going to play, dumbass.
RB – Tarik Cohen, Bears: 113 total yards, TD
It’s 2017 and yet you still didn’t think a Jewish athlete could put up big numbers? BIGOT.
WR – Kenny Golladay, Lions: 4 catches, 69 yards, 2 TD
You: “I never heard of this guy before yesterday, so I don’t see how I could be blamed for not starting him in fantasy football.”
Me: “Winners don’t make excuses.”
WR – Nelson Agholor, Eagles: 6 catches, 86 yards, TD
Just because Nelson Agholor was horrible in his two seasons in the NFL before Week 1, it was not a good reason to not play him in fantasy on Sunday. It’s called “recency bias,” dummy, and you fell victim to it. Read a book.
TE – Jesse James, Steelers: 6 catches, 41 yards, 2 TD
You, a dumb: “Le’Veon Bell is a fantasy stud.”
Me, a smart: “Le’Veon Bell missed all of training camp, Jesse James has been there every day, so smart people will draft Jesse James No. 1 overall in fantasy.”
Flex – Cooper Kupp, Rams: 4 catches, 76 yards, TD
It was hard to see this performance coming.