Don’t grieve me. This is most important. I’m a piece of shit who killed three people. And that’s just what you all know of. I wasn’t going to “turn my life around” and become some great role model. I think killing myself proves that. No one is sad that I’m gone. There are people who will pretend they are sad. They are fake. They are fake people. Ignore those people forever.
Now let’s get my affairs in order.
First off, I really wanted to go out on top. Remember how John Elway quit after winning two Super Bowls? I just got off for two murders. I can’t imagine ending my murdering career much better than that. I’m at peace with everything I’ve accomplished. I was a good murderer who will be remembered forever. #MountKillmore
I also hope Bill Belichick is proud of this decision. He taught me through his personnel moves that someone is expendable once their results don’t match what they cost. Well, I was going to cost Massachusetts more than $30,000 a year to keep me alive. I’m saving them a ton of money against the cap. If there’s an afterlife, I could be a great GM.
When the Patriots acquired Dwayne Allen this offseason, I really got the sense they weren’t holding a spot for me anymore. I talked to my agent today and somehow there’s been no contact from the Bengals either. That was surprising to me. But if they’re not interested, I don’t think I have a future in football, and these prison leagues are even worse than that awful Adam Sandler “The Longest Yard” remake.
I want to thank everyone who helped make me what I am today: Urban Meyer, the NRA, and the state of Connecticut, which is so boring I turned to violent crime in my youth just to have something to do.
If I have one regret, it’s not being able to go to the White House with my teammates. I really like Donald Trump. I think I should probably let it be known that the Patriots cheat far more than anyone outside the organization knows. It’s systematic and run by Bill Belichick, Robert Kraft and Tom Brady. That said, I consider myself a Patriot through and through. No one should judge me for murdering when all of you want to murder Roger Goodell. At least I act on my convictions.
Finally, I want to give away my possessions. Unfortunately, I have nothing else because everything was taken by my creditors and for attorney fees. But here it is:
- one pair Ugg boots, given to me by Tom Brady
I doubt anyone wants them. But if so, contact my attorney.
See you in h81l.