(SP) – A study of American Olympians released today found that 98% find other countries’ national anthems stupid. Two-percent think they are just boring.
“U.S. Olympians by a huge margin dislike having to listen to the national anthems of other nations,” said Nancy Grazban, a USOC staffer who conducted the research. “In fact, they hate it, and many would rather pour boiling water directly into their eardrums than have to listen to any more of the pathetic dirges that supposedly honor these overseas craplands.”
U.S. snowboarding star Shaun White said his intense dislike of foreign anthems drives his desire to succeed.
“Losing means you get subjected to the rhythmic suck that is foreign anthems,” said White. “I try to win simply because I don’t want to have to show fake reverence from some countries ridiculous ditty. Just more ‘Oh say can you see’ for me, please.”
Skier Lindsey Vonn said she is confused about why other countries even have national anthems.
“I mean, what is it that they have to be so proud about anyway?” asked Vonn. “Ooooh, you won some naval battle back in the 1700s against some other dumb little country nobody cares about anymore. What have you done for me lately? U-S-A, baby. U-S-A.”
White said the anthem he hates most is Japan’s.
“It’s all da-da-da-da-dum-dum-dee-dum-dum,” he said. “Meanwhile, I’m standing there thinking: ‘Seriously, you couldn’t come up with anything better than this?’ But the Japanese athletes tear up when they hear it. I guess because they’re embarrassed about how much their anthem sucks.”