(SP) – Despite reports of a riff between Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, sources close to the team say the quarterback has offered his head coach a free trial of a new, proprietary TB12 supplement.
“Tom wants this all to be over and he thought the best way to do that would be to offer Coach Belichick our new drink,” said Brady’s personal trainer Alex Guerrero. “It’s chock-full of everything Belichick needs.”
The written material accompanying the new supplement claim it will “permanently” ward off concussions and eliminate muscle pains and aches “for all eternity.” Much smaller print says: “This is a big cup of poison that will kill a person in one sip.”
But Brady insists that those who focus on the fact that he wants his coach to drink poison are just jealous of the team’s success and want to drive a wedge between the Patriots just as the playoffs are set to begin.
“Is it poison? That’s not for me to say,” said Brady. “What I will say is that death is the ultimate way to give yourself over to any cult, and by cult I mean my TB12 method of magic water and supplements that can make you live forever. Bill just needs to relax and let it happen.”
Belichick says, however, that he has no interest in taking the supplement.
“Supplements are for the weak,” he said. “All I need to get through a day is to press one of Jimmy Garoppolo’s old jerseys to my face and take a long, deep breath. His musk is what sustains me.”