(SP) – According to multiple reports, the agents of the NFL’s many shitty quarterbacks have been repeatedly reminding their clients to always stand for the national anthem with their hands over their hearts so teams don’t have additional reason to cut them.
“I have an extremely shitty quarterback as a client,” said one agent who requested anonymity. “And I say to him before every game: ‘Ryan Mallet, you’re probably going to suck big time out there tonight. But just stand for the anthem and those checks will keep rolling in.’ So far, so good.”
Rich Rosa, the agent for Christian Hackenberg, says he has been working with the Jets QB all offseason on anthem standing.
“I’ll call him any time of day, even the middle of the night, and blast the national anthem,” said Rosa. “He has to be up on his feet, standing with his hand over his heart right away or I make him run. He’s never going to be good at quarterback. But as long as he looks like what NFL owners think a quarterback should look like and stands for the anthem, he’ll keep getting roster spots. I’ve made sure he understands how this league works.”
But even some of the shittiest quarterbacks in the NFL will still get cut before the start of the regular season, no matter how much they stand during anthems.
“We’re always keeping our eye out for better options,” said Ravens team owner Steve Bisciotti. “I saw a fan at our last game standing ram-rod straight during the anthem while saluting. He could be someone we look at as a free agent.”