(SP) – Former USC quarterback Sam Darnold likely clinched his spot atop the 2018 NFL Draft today by announcing he has hired noted sports psychologist Jesus Christ.
“NFL teams have to love seeing Darnold making this move because now he will play with confidence and have faith in himself,” said NBC NFL analyst Tony Dungy. “I see Darnold as the next Nick Foles or Case Keenum, meaning he will be one of the Top 3 quarterbacks in the league.”
Darnold decided to work with Christ after several Philadelphia Eagles credited him and his partners Holy Spirit and Lord for their role in winning the Super Bowl.
“The NFL is a copycat league and obviously the hot trend is working with Christ,” said Darnold. “And I just want to win and the way to do that is go get God to root for you.”
While many players are following Darnold’s path, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady said he will continue his usual offseason, Satanic ritual of sacrificing babies and eating the anti-inflammatory marrow from their bones.