FOXBOROUGH, MA — New England Patriots receiver and former college lacrosse player Chris Hogan became an NFL star last week when he torched the Pittsburgh Steelers for nine catches, 180 yards and two scores in the AFC title game. But while he helped the Patriots, Hogan’s success has caused lax bros across the nation to be even more certain of their superiority.
“I choose to play lacrosse because it’s the best sport ever,” said Grayson Steele, a 5-foot-8 midfielder at tiny Carrolton College in western Maryland. “But, shit, yeah, Hog-dog [Chris Hogan] shows I could dominate the NFL if I wanted to. Who knows, maybe I’ll decide to do that when I’m done tearing up D-3 lax. Tell Belichick to look me up.”
Lacrosse message boards have been full of talk about how lacrosse has the best athletes in the world since the AFC Championship, and several incidents of lax bros taunting football players for being inferior have been reported at nearly a dozen campuses.
“Yeah, there was an incident here,” confirmed Syracuse athletics director John Wildhack. “Five lacrosse players said something to our football team while they were lifting and then ran off. Our backup punter quickly chased them down and locked them in a janitors closet for an hour. I don’t suspect it will happen again.”
Hogan says he did not mean to make lacrosse players even more delusional and annoying.
“Part of the reason I gave football a shot was because I couldn’t stand being around lacrosse people anymore,” he said. “Plus, I wanted to challenge myself athletically. Simply being one of the best athletes among people whose parents put them in private school didn’t feel like a big accomplishment to me. In fact, it was kind of embarrassing. Real athletes just laughed at me.”