(SP) – Indianapolis Colts quarterback Andrew Luck is expected to be off the field for at least the next three weeks as the the team’s medical staff tries to fight the latest outbreak of lice and scabies on his disgusting body.
“We’ve had this problem with him in the past, but this is the worst it’s ever been,” said Colts team doctor Kathryn Tillman. “We’ve been trying to stress to him that personal hygiene is important. But when he’s away from us during the offseason, he falls into the same bad habits of never bathing and of sleeping outside in a dumpster. He’s covered in lice. And scabies. And some other parasite that we haven’t even identified yet.”
The Colts say they need to get Luck healthy and prevent him from infesting the rest of the team.
“We’d love to have him out there for Week 1 because, despite him being the most physically disgusting person I’ve even been around, he plays a hell of a quarterback,” said head coach Chuck Pagano. “That said, I don’t think we’re going to win a lot of ball games if the guys are just scratching themselves on the field all the time.”
As soon as Luck’s infestation is brought under control, the Colts say they have big plans.
“We have a new banner ready to go up that will track the number of days we’ve been lice free,” said team owner Jim Irsay. “We are a successful organization.”