Week 1: Jets at Bills
We now know that for the 75th consecutive season, the Jets and the Bills will not both be without a loss through one week of the season. (This may not be an accurate fact, per se, but it feels accurate.)
Week 2: Texans at Bengals (Thursday night game)
One week after the season opens with its regular Thursday night extravaganza, the NFL decides to remind us that Thursday is actually football garbage night, and give us Texans-Bengals XVI: This Time An Awful Regular Season Game Instead of an Awful Wildcard Game
Week 3: Rams at 49ers (Thursday night game)
We get it, NFL. We get it. We should not watch Thursday Night Football. You could be a little more subtle.
Week 6: Rams at Jaguars
It’s too bad Jeff Fisher isn’t coaching the Rams anymore. He would have loved this trip. He definitely has that chic “Jacksonville style.”
Week 9: Bills at Jets (Thursday night game)
Stop, NFL. Thursday night is dead. Just stop now.
Week 7: Falcons at Patriots
Ugh. There is no positive outcome here. If the Falcons win, Patriots fans just remind us that it means nothing compared to the Super Bowl. And if the Patriots win, the world remains as awful as it is now.
Week 10: Browns at Lions
Not so long ago the Browns and Lions were the league’s two premier punchline franchises, but the Lions have sold out in recent years by achieving mild respectability. This their chance to return to their rightful place in the NFL by putting up a big home loss to Clevelanad to clinch Jim Caldwell’s firing.
Week 11: Jaguars at Browns
It’s fun to think who might be quarterbacking the Browns at this point in the season. I’m going with Akili Smith.
Week 12: NY Giants at Washington (Thanksgiving night)
As though spending an entire day with your relatives isn’t bad enough, now you can cap the night by hearing them debat whether Eli Manning AND Kirk Cousins are elite. Consider choking to death on a turkey bone at Noon to save yourself from this misery.
Week 13: 49ers at Bears
People complain about Colin Kaepernick kneeling for the national anthem. But what’s more disrespectful: Kaepernick kneeling or Mike Glennon accepting an annual salary that could pay 500 troops?
Week 14: Eagles at Rams
Goff vs. Wentz. Finally we may have the answer to the question: Which team way over-reached at the top of the 2016 NFL Draft the most?
Week 17: 49ers at Rams
This has 2018 NFL Draft No. 1 overall implications. That’s all you can ask for a Week 17 game (if you’re a team like the 49ers or Rams).