ASHBURN, VA – Washington is planning to place the franchise tag on quarterback Kirk Cousins again, but team general manager Scot McCloughan said it won’t officially happen until he gets blackout drunk.
“Obviously, Kirk Cousins is not the kind of quarterback you want to pay $20 million a season, but we sadly don’t really have any better options,” said McCloughan. “So I’ve got a long night of drinking ahead of me coming up to give me the courage to complete the paperwork.”
McCloughan has a large bottle of whiskey on his desk that he says will kick off the night’s festivities, but he will then head out to a series of stops at bars near the team headquarters.
“This is not the kind of thing where I’ll feel okay about it after one or two drinks,” said McCloughan. “No, I need to be stomach-pumped drunk to get myself mentally to the point of not caring what happens. That’s what I had to do the night I agreed to take this job two years ago. I still don’t think my liver is right.”
Cousins set a career-high in passing yards last season but played poorly in three late-season losses that ended Washington’s postseason hopes. The 28-year old quarterback says he has no drinking plans.
“I try to live pretty straight-laced,” he said. “I’m tied to an organization that’s run by Dan Snyder and has no real shot of ever competing for a championships. If I allowed myself to start drinking, I worry I’d never stop.”