(SP) – NFL quarterback and Super Bowl loser Tom Brady has reached out to his personal trainer today in hopes of uncovering a special diet or proprietary exercise that could fix an broken heart and also cut down on the quantity of tears that are being produced by his eyes.
“Tom has been in touch with me and we’re putting together a program that will help him block out all human emotions, especially sadness which he currently is experiencing to a great degree,” said Alex Guerrero, the quarterback’s trusted trainer and cult leader. “And while his anti-inflammatory, strawberry-free diet is helping on the field, we need fewer liquids in his diet in order to cut down on tear production.”
While critics say Guerrero’s promises of being able to eliminate sadness via exercise is “quack medicine,” others attest that there is some upside to the regimen.
“Do I think it will really work?” said a Patriots team doctor. “No. But is it more likely to work than us figuring out how to suddenly add 11 good defensive players to the roster? Definitely.”
The Patriots staffer also said that the team is evaluating Bill Belichick for a stroke after he chose not to play Malcolm Butler in the Super Bowl.