PITTSBURGH – Stanley Cup handler Phil Pritchard was forced to stand and watch Phil Kessel make love to the Stanley Cup last night, reliving a horror from a year ago that he hoped he would never have to witness again.
“My job is to always keep an eye on the Cup, no matter what,” Pritchard said, looking pale and nauseous. “Usually it’s a great job. But then sometimes I see things no human should have to see. I’m not a bad person. I do not deserve this. I’ll have nightmares for the rest of my life.”
Pritchard said Kessel engaged in “carnal” acts with the Cup last night, creating a “throbbing pile of sweat and silver and body hair.”
“He’s not the first player to do this,” said Pritchard. “Not by a long shot. And I know he’s doing it because he loves hockey so much. Just like we all do. But … seeing Phil Kessel naked was not part of the job description. I don’t get paid enough for this. No one does.”
Pritchard said Penguins superstar Sidney Crosby also interacted with the Cup last night, giving it a firm handshake and having a brief, respectful conversation with it.