(SP) – Kris Kringle, known to many by the name Santa Claus, said today that he, too, will make the difficult choice to root for the Philadelphia Eagles to defeat the New England Patriots in Super Bowl LII even though he has a difficult history with Eagles fans.
“Look, these people are animals. They’re so dumb their city greases light poles so they don’t climb then,” said Claus. “The city of Philadelphia is full of straight up garbage people. It’s a city of assholes. Excuse. me. I’m sorry. Pardon my language. They are on the naughty list, okay? I mean, they threw snowballs at me. Yeah, it was a long time ago, but they’ve done plenty of awful stuff since. I never wanted anything good to happen for them. Ever. But if my choice is them or Tom Brady and the Patriots winning? Give me the Eagles. Not even a question.”
Santa then unveiled a long scroll with a list of hundreds of reasons he hate the Patriots, among them: “Tom Brady is a lair and a scam artist,” “they’ve been caught cheating” and “just f–k those guys.”
“When did I make this list?” Claus said. “Whenever. All the time. I pretty much have 11 months of free time up here. It’s plenty of time to hate on those dickheads. And you know another thing I hate about the Patriots? They’ve taken some of my best elves and made them into possession receivers. And not a single thank you from Belichick for developing them.”
Claus said he will be okay if the Patriots win, however.
“Look at it this way: it’s guaranteed that either the Patriots or the Eagles are going to lose the Super Bowl,” he said. “It’s that kind of positive thinking that keeps me jovial.”