(SP) – NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones have decided to resolve their feud by having their servants fight to the death on Saturday at noon.
“We decided to settle our disputes like all wealthy and powerful men throughout history have,” said Jones. “And so we will have poors shed their blood for our honor while we watch in complete safety.”
Jones’ faction of servants is expected to have an advantage over Goodell’s because he is able to afford more due to being a billionaire, while the commissioner faces the budget constraints of only being worth barely more than 100 million.
But Goodell believes his champions/help staff will be up for the task.
“I have built my entire career on sending underpaid people out into battle to get hurt,” he said. “This is the one thing I’m good at.”