WASHINGTON, D.C. – Patrick Ewing is reportedly concerned he may have blown his shot at becoming the next head coach at Georgetown by sweating through three suits during his interview this morning with school officials.

“I’m just a sweaty guy. I sweat. Like, a lot,” Ewing reportedly told his agent after the interview ended. “Everyone knows that. That’s part of the package you get with me. But I think in an interview setting that all the sweat could be construed as me being nervous or not confident in my abilities or maybe trying to cover something up. But that’s not the case. I just … sweat a lot, you know. I think I have a glandular problem or something.”

Ewing’s interview was twice interrupted by pooling perspiration around his chair, once causing a Georgetown official who was late to the meeting to slip and fall, breaking her wrist. The former NBA big man’s sweat also shorted out a surge protector that was sitting on the floor on the other side of the conference room.

“Look, no one has a perfect interview by every standard,” said a Georgetown official who was present for the interview. “I think Patrick had some … I’d say … unique challenges. But if he’s the right coach and has the most knowledge of the game and is the best communicator, that will be enough to overcome the fact that we’ll probably have to hire some extra staff just for his sweat management.”

In fact, it’s not even the gallons of liquids that spill from Ewing’s body at all times that are his biggest drawback, said another Georgetown official.

“The whole time a lot of us were thinking that Patrick’s big name would help him bring in some great recruits,” said the official. “But the we realized that no one he’ll recruit was even alive when he last played in the NBA. Recruits might not even know who he is. That’s so depressing. We’re getting older every day and soon we’ll all be dead.”

 

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