WASHINGTON, D.C. – Vice President Mike Pence says he has asked for forgiveness from his wife and his God after making love to his television while watching the women’s NCAA Tournament this week.
“I was foolishly flipping through the television channels alone while Mother drew a bath and I soon found my gaze rest upon bare female arms and calves, coated with sweat and moving up and down across the hard wood,” said the vice president. “Temptation overwhelmed me. Before I knew it, I had thrust my shame organ into the HDMI 2 slot and felt myself explode with pleasurable regret, filling the Hitachi with wasted seed meant to grow God’s kingdom. I immediately wept.”
Pence said he chose to admit his wrongdoing because it was the good and honorable thing to do.
“No one saw my sin, but I still did wrong and I strive to have an honest relationship with Mother,” he said. “Also, the TV shorted out when I ejaculated into it, so I assumed eventually someone would put two and two together.”
The vice president said that going forward, he will require that all women’s sports be blocked from televisions in the vice president’s residence.
“No beach volleyball, no WNBA, no women’s ice hockey – even though their bodies are appropriately covered up,” said the vice president. “And figure skating should be banned entirely in this nation until all male participants undergo counseling to make them admit they don’t really like figure skating.”