(SP) – The Baylor University athletic department has informed the NCAA that the program likely committed some “minor genocide” in recent years and announced it will prohibit its tennis program from practicing on Monday nights until October as a means of punishment.
“I think the fact that we are coming forward about the genocide ourselves is evidence that we are doing so in good faith to move past the eradication of an ethnic group during Art Briles’ time as head football coach,” said athletic director Mack Rhoades. “It was a few isolated cases of genocide and we are putting measures in place to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
Rhoades refused to disclose the people Baylor wiped off the planet — “I think we should give them privacy in this time of eradication,” he said — but did say the genocide was “not near as bad as some that have been committed throughout world history. These things don’t only happen at Baylor and it’s impossible for a head coach to know everything that is going on, like whether his players are drinking a beer on a Friday night or maybe doing some ethnic cleansing under orders from their position coach. It’s impossible.”
NCAA president Mark Emmert says it is unlikely Baylor will be given the death penalty over the last revelation.
“We very much appreciate self-reporting by our programs,” he said. “And I think there has been enough death at Baylor. Too soon, you know? It’s time to move on.”
Emmert did say, however, that Baylor will likely be docked 15 scholarships over an incident in which a player who did not have any money was given a bagel.