LOUISVILLE, KY – Always Dreaming won the 143rd running of the Kentucky Derby on Saturday afternoon, assuring the thoroughbred is going to get some major horse ass tonight and in the coming days and weeks.

“He’s obviously very happy,” said Todd Pletcher, the horse’s trainer. “He doesn’t quite understand the money involved in what he accomplished. That’s beyond a horse’s instincts. But he definitely understands that he gets to hump every horse he can get to. Which is a all of them, because he’s the fastest horse in the world.”

After the post-race ceremonies wrap up, Always Dreaming is expected to head back to the stables while wearing his Kentucky Derby champion shawl to hit on every mare in the building.

“You don’t need a pick up whinny when you’re wearing that thing,” said his jockey. “The mares see it and just gallop right up. There are no morals among horses. It’s gross. Beautiful, but gross.”

Always Dreaming’s chances of winning Preakness will depend on how much horse tail he pulls in the next two weeks.

“He could tire himself out and not have anything left to run by the time we get to Baltimore,” said Pletcher. “Some trainers would try to limit his sex for that reason, but I had a man ride him around and whip him. I think he’s allowed to knock some hoofs.”

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