LaVar Ball is the worst Ball, below footballs, basketballs, baseballs, volleyballs, tennis balls, bowling balls, and blue balls. Balls are good. LaVar is not. Too easy of a ranking.
But what about LaVars? Ball clearly isn’t the best LaVar of all time, but is he top three or top five? It was time to find out…
12. LaVar Payne
Payne is a Conservative Canadian politician who represents the electoral district of Medicine Hat. He’s obviously the worst LaVar. Fair is fair.
11. LaVar Ball
If you don’t already know more than you ever wanted to know about LaVar Ball, I’m just going to assume you’ve managed to stay off social media and TV for the past several months and probably don’t know Donald Trump is president either. #blessed
Ball is the annoying father of dazzling NBA prospect Lonzo Ball along with other real children LiAngelo and LaMelo. He’s called his son Lonzo better than Steph Curry, LeBron James and soon: Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali, and Jesus Christ himself. Ball has an absurdly overpriced Big Baller Brand shoe brand and thinks he’s hot stuff because he once recorded 28 kick return yards as a tight end for the London Monarchs. He’s the sort of guy that checks in and updates his own Wikipedia page two to three times a day. All of our lives were better without LaVar Ball in them. He’s definitely, definitely not a top 10 all-time Lavar.
10. Lavar Kesh
Lavar Kesh is a village in northern Iran. A small village. A village of four families and 14 total people. Still, you know at least one of those people is WAY better than LaVar Ball.
9. Lavar Harewood
Harewood averaged 5.1 points a game for the 2016 Maine Black Bears. And if you don’t think that’s any good, let me point out that LaVar Ball averaged just 2.2 points a game in one season for Washington State, last on the team. He scored 56 points in 26 appearances and shot 45% from the free throw line, then taught all three of his sons to shoot that way. Makes Lavar Harewood’s VORL (Value Over Replacement Lavar) look pretty good now, doesn’t it?
8. The Law Offices of A. Lavar Taylor
I don’t know anything about the Law Offices of A. Lavar Taylor. Just leaving this link here in case Lavar Ball reads this and needs a lawyer.
7. Lavar Johnson
Johnson is a heavyweight MMA fighter. He’s 18–10 in his career and has only won once in the last five years. He’s also nicknamed “Black Superman” and did this (below), so you power rank him lower than seventh.
6. Lavar Kerman rugs
Beautiful tapestries from south central Iran, among the finest of all known Persian carpets. The great thing about this Lavar is you can take it out back and beat it every day if you like.
5. Kendrick Lavar
“Kendrick Lavar” is actually a typo someone once made trying to send out a tweet too fast, but it was still more woke than all but four other Lavars in history. Damn.
4. LaVar Arrington
Arrington was the #2 pick in the NFL Draft in 2000. He was a really good player and one of the all-time greats from Penn State’s Linebacker U. Injuries derailed an otherwise promising career but he’s still the one LaVar sports fans ever really knew before 2017. Better times…
3. LeVar Burton
LeVar Burton is clearly the best Lavar but gets docked two spots for spelling his name with an E. Sorry, I don’t make the rules here. Burton played the role of Jesse Owens, Martin Luther King, and Booker T. Washington, spent years as La Forge on Star Trek, and made cameos on Community and The Big Bang Theory. Still, we love Levar Burton for one thing above all else.
Butterfly in the skyyyyyy… I can go twice as hiiiiiiigh… take a look… it’s in a book… KUNTA KINTE!!
2. Lavar: To wash
“Lavar” is the Spanish infinitive word for “to wash.” Washing is good. As in “Yo quiero lavar Lavar Ball… cómo se dice, ‘down the drain and out of our lives forever?’” Very high VORL rating.
1. LaVar Young
LaVar Young is the founder of Urban Talk, an organization that works with young men to stress the importance of fatherhood for strong family and community dynamics. Young was also President of a similar organization called Newark Now and directed Fathers Now, helping men reenter the workforce after incarceration and working with homeless or jobless men looking to assume greater responsibility and contribute to the their children’s lives. Some LaVars actually are worth celebrating on television every day.