QB – C.J. Beathard, 49ers – 19-for-25, 288 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT, 15 rushing yards and 1 TD
Wait a minute. You thought when the 49ers traded for Jimmy Garoppolo that he would be the San Francisco quarterback? You dumbass. They traded for a backup to be their backup. Beathard is clearly the star QB there, idiot.
RB – Austin Ekeler, Chargers – 119 total yards, 2 TD
Austin Ekeler is right near the top of the list of running backs (alphabetically), but you scrolled way down to get Melvin Gordon like a dolt. M is for Melvin and M is for you, a Moron.
RB – Tevin Coleman, Falcons – 88 total yards, TD
Football is a violent game, yet it somehow didn’t occur to you that Devonta Freeman would get hurt this week, giving a ton of extra touches to Tevin Coleman? Do you even watch football, dipshit?
WR – Sterling Shepard, Giants – 11 catches, 142 yards
Sterling Shepard? You need a shepherd to lead your fantasy team to success, because you can’t do it. Get it? (The joke is that you’re dumb.)
WR – Chester Rogers, Colts – 107 total yards, TD
It was SO OBVIOUS that this big game was coming to anyone who saw Chester Rogers star at Grambling State. But, of course, you didn’t know about his career at Grambling State because you suck at fantasy football AND are a huge racist who doesn’t follow HBCU football. You disgust me.
TE – Garrett Celek, 49ers – 4 catches, 67 yards, TD
You, an idiot: started the pathetic combo of Drew Brees and Michael Thomas in fantasy.
Me, a genius: started the unstoppable combo of C.J. Beathard and Garrett Celek in fantasy.
Flex – Brandon LaFell, Bengals – 6 catches, 95 yards, TD
There was literally no way to predict this would happen. Keep your head up.