(SP) – Thanks to its historic victory over a No. 1 seed in the 1st Round of the NCAA Tournament, the University of Maryland, Baltimore County has seen a massive uptick in the number of student applications in recent days, giving the school the opportunity to pick the best and brightest from among a crop of idiots who only know of universities via sports.
“It’s an exciting time hear at UMBC,” said university president Freeman A. Hrabowski III. “We continue to be a regional leader in research and technology, but only now through winning a game in the NCAA Tournament as a 16-seed have we garnered national attention. I can’t tell you how many applications we’ve received in the last 48 hours with essays about how applications love our Retrievers basketball team almost as much as they love the Warriors, Patriots and Alabama football. It’s awful. One application just had scrawled at the top: ‘I like you because you do sports good.’”
UMBC has a current enrollment of more than 13,000 students and acceptance rate around 59%, but university officials say that acceptance rate will likely have to drop into the single digits this year or “we’ll be overrun by mouth-breathing dolts whose entire knowledge of the world is reliant on what’s in that day’s sports news.”
Hrabowski said that while he appreciates the attention the university is receiving and hopes it highlights UMBC’s many academic offerings, he would like to remind prospective applicants that this basketball success is likely over forever.
“We were 7-25 two years ago,” he said. “It’s almost guaranteed our coach leaves. We’ll be terrible again in no time. And we don’t even have a football program. We want students here who want to go to a school like that.”