(SP) – A study released today by researchers at Northwestern University has found that there is a less than 8-percent chance that any babies born in the Chicago area over the past 11 months will ever see a Cubs World Series championship in their lifetime.
“By any reading of history and trends, these babies need to be prepared for the likelihood that they will live a full life and still never experience any baseball happiness, outside of getting drunk at Wrigley Field, of course,” said the study’s lead researcher, Sandra Cooper. “The Cubs have won one championship in the last 109 years and the window seems to be closing on this current Cubs team. So unless life expectancy rates dramatically increase … well, it’s pretty bleak for these adorable babies.”
The study comes as tough news for Chicago babies who missed out on the 2016 World Series, or at least it will be tough news for them when their brains are capable of comprehending the concept of time or sports or constant losing despite a massive payroll.
Cubs owner Tom Ricketts said he hopes the Cubs can at least give Chicago’s babies a lot of near-misses to get excited about over the years.
“It’s either watching us be semi-competitive year after losing year, or root for the Bears, Bulls, White Sox and Patrick Kane,” he said. “We’re still the best game in town, no matter how much we fail.”