Ponder This...

Posted: Friday, July 18^th at 11:40 a.m.*

Hello, friends. My summer Ponder This vacation is over. And what a swell time to come back. These are heady times in the world of satire. Specifically, I am speaking about the New Yorker cover that features a cartoon of Michelle and Barack Obama: http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/gawker/2008/07/original.jpg. (I won’t bore you with details of my own current issues.) I fully believe that we are living in a country in which the majority of people are functionally retarded. Seriously. I realize that may sound elitist. And I suppose it is. Elitism means you think you are better or smarter than others. And, yes, I think I am smarter than the functionally retarded. Call me an elitist. Also, call me when you need to be rushed to the hospital for sniffing glue.

And this has nothing to do with politics. Yes, I feel I made it quite clear on these pages in recent months that I was not a Hillary Clinton supporter. But I did not see that so much as a political issue as a hey-let’s-maybe-not-elect-a-demon-for-our-president issue. (No offense, demons.) That New Yorker cover could have showed John McCain sitting in a wheelchair (‘Cause he’s OLD! Get it? He’s a man of some age! Gosh, that joke is hilarious!), doodling up a photo of Martin Luther King, Jr. while pressing a button to bomb schoolchildren in Iraq, as his overly botoxed wife, dressed as the St. Pauli girl, cackles maniacally behind him, defibrillator paddles at the ready should she need to shock her (OLD!) husband back to life for another round of bombing. (Hey, I think maybe I just happened across a career as a political cartoonist. Now to learn how to draw …)

So, again … not political. This is not me rushing to the defense of my main homie, Barry Obama. (He doesn’t need my defense! His wife sports an AK!) This is about how the majority of the people in this country are functionally retarded. (No offense, majority of the people in this country.) I saw CNN do a reporter-on-the-street story on the New Yorker cover by asking people walking by newsstands whether they felt the cover was “positive or negative about Barack Obama?” Now, let’s break for a moment to consider what one must do to get a journalism job at a major, national media outlet. They must attend and graduate from college. In college they, most likely, must take journalism classes, in which they are taught to critically think and critically deconstruct issues and then master them to such a degree that they can succinctly communicate the crux of these issues to the general populace. And then, barring a ridiculously square jaw/perfect hair combo or – for women – a perky pair of breasts and nice legs – these people must then show that they have mastered these critical thinking and communication skills over many years to earn a job at a top-flight national outlet. Are we clear on all that?

Okay, so back to “Do you think the cover is positive or negative about Barack Obama?” Are you f—king kidding me? Hey dipshit CNN reporter – it’s not about Barack Obama at all. Seriously?! Are you really that dumb?! Seriously?! Because if you are that dumb, I’m surprised the interview happened at all. I’d think it’s about 50-50 that you even hold the microphone right side up. The subject of that cartoon was all the people who think that Barack Obama  and his wife are these secret, militant Muslims bent on destroying the country. It was trying to show how ridiculous that point of view is when you extrapolate it out. The subject was not Barack Obama. The subject was not Michelle Obama. The subject was “Hey, dumb people, look at how dumb you are. Maybe consider putting an end to your dumbness.” Yet somehow (seemingly) obvious point was missed by almost everyone. AND the people whose job it is to think through these things for the general populace – the so-called “fourth estate” – just immediately went with: “Uh, der … they saying rude things about that Obama.”

So, what exactly does this all have to do with sports? Umm … nothing really.  This is not what I intended to write about in Ponderances On Things This this week. However, I write about sports and pretty much my entire time spent reading my (espn) e-mail is experiencing the general retardedry exhibited nationally over the New Yorker cover on a micro level. So some of the unwashed masses might be dumb. Who cares. But it’s really disappointing/frustrating/infuriating when the people you think should know better do not.

Such people are not you, dear readers. If you are a Ponder This reader, I assume you kind of understand satire. I do not consider you among the functionally retarded. Perhaps you are even an elitist like me. (And I can’t tell you how sad it makes me to see the low threshold required to become an elitist now. “That there man ain’t eating his boogs. He’s one of dem eliters.”) I do not consider myself a genius. I do not think everything I write is great. And I definitely don’t think everything I write is funny. (Although much of what I write isn’t really intended to be funny. But that’s another boring, non-sports-related Ponder This ramble for another day.) I just wish I wasn’t starting to expect people to be stupid first instead of smart. It’s kind of sad. When I used to meet people before, I’d just assume they were intelligent and would continue assuming that until they proved to be stupid. Now I more or less sidle up to  everyone thinking they’re going hurl feces at any moment.

Here is my recent ESPNessence. Get it while you can. Column on summer sports books: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=gallo/080630. And this chat: http://proxy.espn.go.com/chat/chatESPN?event_id=21313. And Terrell Owens summer camp: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=gallo/080707&sportCat=nfl. Some Favre: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=gallo/080710&sportCat=nfl. The British Open: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=gallo/080717&sportCat=golf. And NFL referee signals: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=gallo/080716_signs. (This si the kind of thing I really like that many people do not.) And then there was my Wednesday appearances on ESPNews. And a crapload of unlinkable stuff on the front of Page 2. And on Monday I’ll have an NFL training camp preview. Huzzah.

These captions have been offered a lucrative free agent contract: “It’s just a penis. Relax. Fifty percent of the world has one. There is no reason to clear the stands.”: http://assets.espn.go.com/photo/2008/0629/rpm_u_kbusch1_412.jpg. “I like the sound, but I disapprove of the message of them Dixie Chicks.”: http://assets.espn.go.com/photo/2008/0702/rpm_earnhardt_412.jpg. “Being overrated is awesome, isn’t it?” “Agreed.”: http://images.sportsline.com/u/photos/baseball/mlb/img10885068.jpg.

Great work those of you who have posted on Raymond’s Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Ray-Lewis/13212855700. It looks like a few of the posts have been removed, but two great ones still remain (at the time I typed this). And there are some other outstanding posts left by non-SportsPickle readers, such as the woman from Detroit who left her phone number: “I REALLY LOVE YOU daddy!!!! CALL ME PLEASE 718-790-4755” I think my project for next week’s Raymond portion of Ponder This will be to strike up a conversation with this classy lady via text message. I do have a Baltimore cell number after all. It sure would be a shame if she somehow got the impression it was Raymond texting her.

*This week’s reason for the late posting of Ponder This: Installing a security system on my house in case that militant Negro and his wife happen to campaign in my town.