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President Obama Orders Targeted Airstrikes on NFL Teams

President Obama today authorized a U.S. military campaign against the NFL, authorizing U.S. airstrikes of the NFL headquarters along with expanded airstrikes in NFL cities as he ... Continue Reading →
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Oh, No. NFL News Reportedly About to Break.

According to several league sources and insiders, some NFL news is set to break within the hour. Continue Reading →
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Orioles Turn Down Derek Jeter’s Request for the AL East Title as a Retirement Gift

The Baltimore Orioles clinched their first American League East crown since 1997 on Tuesday night, an accomplishment many are calling an egregious slap in the face to retiring Yankees ... Continue Reading →

NFL Asks Peyton Manning to Keep Hidden for a Few Months Whatever Horrible Crimes He’s Doing

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell sent a letter to Peyton Manning today, asking the Broncos quarterback to do “whatever is in your power to continue covering up various crimes you ... Continue Reading →
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Griffins to Discontinue Faulty RG Line

The Griffins announced today that they will no longer produce RGs, in light of the many maintenance issues with the latest model, RGIII.  Continue Reading →
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Honest NFL Headlines: Week 2

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All Athletic Children to be Incarcerated as Part of Long-Term Crime Prevention Program

In an wide-ranging agreement between the Justice Department, FBI, state police in all 50 states and municipal police forces throughout the United States, all American children with ... Continue Reading →
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Oscar Pistorius Promises New Drill Bit-Tipped Prosthetics Are Not for a Prison Escape

A South African judge has ruled Oscar Pistorius guilty of culpable homicide in the shooting death of his girlfriend. While not guilty of murder, Pistorius’ conviction can bring ... Continue Reading →
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Jesus Planning to Return for Derek Jeter’s Final Homestand

Jesus Christ, the son of God, member of the Holy Trinity, and Savior of the world, will reportedly make his triumphant return to Earth in order to see Derek Jeter’s final homestand ... Continue Reading →
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Embattled Roger Goodell Issues Statement: “Hey, look over there!”

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, facing pressure from numerous organizations and high-profile media members in the wake of his handling of the Ray Rice case, issued a statement this ... Continue Reading →
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Ravens Release Joe Flacco After Seeing Video of Him Playing Football

The Baltimore Ravens have released quarterback Joe Flacco after video was released showing Flacco playing quarterback.  Continue Reading →
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NFL Announces New “Domestic Violence Awareness” Jerseys with 8% of Profits Going to Charity

Due to increased pressure from fans and media over the Ray Rice case, commissioner Roger Goodell announced this morning in a hastily arranged press conference that the league will begin ... Continue Reading →
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Honest NFL Headlines: Week 1

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NCAA Agrees to Pay All Athletes Except Big Ten Football Players

In a landmark decision this morning, the NCAA announced it has agreed to pay all Division I NCAA athletes between $5,000 and $15,000 each year, depending on the sport they play. But ... Continue Reading →
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12th Man Arrested for Public Intoxication

Famed Seattle superfan 12th Man was cited for public intoxication following the team’s home opener. Witnesses say 12th Man had thousands of gallons of beer to drink at the game ... Continue Reading →
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Roger Goodell Apologizes for All the Glitches in This Year’s NFL

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell apologized today for the many glitches being uncovered in the latest edition of the NFL. From repeated stoppages in play due to penalties to player and ... Continue Reading →
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Tigers Pitcher Justin Verlander Confirms He Had Lots of Sex with Supermodel Kate Upton

Detroit Tigers starting pitcher Justin Verlander today confirmed that photos that hit the Internet last weekend showing him and supermodel Kate Upton in various states of undress are ... Continue Reading →
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Miami Hurricanes Hire Recording of Ray Lewis Yelling About Stuff as New Head Coach

The Miami Hurricanes announced today that they have relieved head football coach Al Golden of his duties. The program’s new head coach will be a recording turned all the way up ... Continue Reading →