“...darned funny stuff...hilarious...dare...the” - On Frozen Blog

“...I am laughing so hard that I can barely breathe...of...has...are” - Sports Frog

“...great for beaches...moderately pleasing for fishing...poor for spelunking” – Cracked

“...The best $12.95 you will ever spend on a DJ Gallo book...” - Mondesi’s House

“...our staff recommends...” - Kissing Suzy Kolber
[Heh. They said “staff.”]

A terrible baserunning error by Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter on Tuesday night left his teammates stunned and contemplative.
“When horrible things like this happen,” said Alex Rodriguez of Jeter straying too far off second base with two outs and the Yankees down by one, “you really step back and take account of your whole life. It really helps you keep sports in the proper perspective. I know that from now on I’ll be more thankful for what I have in life.”
Closer Mariano Rivera said Jeter’s tragedy brought back old feelings.
“I said everything changed after 9/11, but I’m not sure if it really did,” he said. “People went back to their normal activities and behavior pretty soon after the initial shock died down. But this is different. This is bigger. This is a pennant race.”
Jason Giambi agreed.
“I didn’t lose anyone I knew in the terrorist attacks,” he said. “But this hit pretty close to home. I think I had started to take things for granted. Namely that Jeter keeps his head in the game and that he would score and we would tie the game and go onto win. But now my whole view of life has changed.”

Boston Red Sox first baseman Sean Casey, one of the friendliest players in baseball, stuck around for 30 minutes following Tuesday’s game to get the autographs of all the fans who wanted to give them.
“I love interacting with the fans,” said Casey. “But beyond that, I got some really great autographs. I got Cindy Hepfer’s. She’s a two-time teacher of the year at Highland Elementary. And I got her son Billy’s, too. Good kid, Billy. Very respectful. I was honored that he signed.”
But one Red Sox fan said he was disappointed in Casey.
“He’s not a great player or anything, but I was hoping to get his autograph for my son,” said Mike Jenkins. “So I gave him a ball and told him to sign it ‘To Austin.’ But the jerk didn’t sign it. He just passed it around to everyone in the stands to sign. What a dick. What is my son going to want with a ball signed by Cindy and Billy Hepfer?”

Boston Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein and Kansas City Royals GM Dayton Moore have agreed in principle on a deal that would send star New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez to the Royals in exchange for a minor league player to be named later.
[FULL STORY]

Former New York Giants tight end Jeremy Shockey stopped by the team’s facility one last time on Monday to say his goodbyes to his ex-teammates before departing for New Orleans. He also made sure to pull Eli Manning’s underwear deep into the quarterback’s anus one last time.
“Oh, Eli, you stupid, little dork,” Shockey said, ripping Manning’s underwear strap up over his head. “I know I gave you a hard time. But I’m going to miss trying to jump for your overthrown passes and giving you wedgies and shoving your head in floater-filled toilets. You suck and I hate you. But it was all in good fun, you stupid queer.”
Manning says he has mixed feelings about Shockey’s departure.
“You hate to lose good players,” he said. “But I think I’ll play better without him yelling at me all the time. Not to mention that I’ll have less bleeding anal wounds to play through. The other fellas give me wedgies, of course, but not as much as Jeremy did.”

NEW FOR JULY 18!

Such people are not you, dear readers. If you are a Ponder This reader, I assume you kind of understand satire. I do not consider you among the functionally retarded. Perhaps you are even an elitist like me. (And I can’t tell you how sad it makes me to see the low threshold required to become an elitist now. “That there man ain’t eating his boogs. He’s one of dem eliters.”) I do not consider myself a genius. I do not think everything I write is great. And I definitely don’t think everything I write is funny. (Although much of what I write isn’t really intended to be funny. But that’s another boring, non-sports-related Ponder This ramble for another day.) I just wish I wasn’t starting to expect people to be stupid first instead of smart. It’s kind of sad. When I used to meet people before, I’d just assume they were intelligent and would continue assuming that until they proved to be stupid. Now I more or less sidle up to  everyone thinking they’re going hurl feces at any moment.

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