Each week, SportsPickle.com will pick some of the most intriguing matchups in the NFL. These picks are for entertainment purposes only. SportsPickle.com takes no responsibility if you lose your life savings, house and wife to a bookie named Vito (but we are picking against the spread this year, and picking every game to boot!).

Denver at San Diego (-11)

Further proof that the Chargers are the Greatest Team Ever – the Most Talented Backup Quarterback Ever – Philip Rivers – may actually get a few snaps in this game because the Greatest Team Ever is already eliminated from playoff contention.
My pick: San Diego

New York Giants at Oakland (+9)

It’s a shame Warren Sapp is injured, because he and Eli Manning could have waged quite a battle here. Sapp would get winded after two snaps and have to sit out a series, and then Elisha would fire back by overthrowing a wide open receiver on third down. Then Sapp would counter by completely whiffing on a tackle, and Elisha would respond with a horrible interception into triple coverage. It would be as epic a battle as Hagler-Hearns, only instead of battling for the middleweight championship, Sapp and Elisha would face-off for the title of Most Overrated Player in NFL History.
My pick: New York Giants

Buffalo at New York Jets (+1)

Very tight line here. I suppose Vegas is basically saying that it’s very difficult to pick between two terrible teams like the Bills and Jets, just as it’s difficult to pick the prettier of two turds. Being favored by one point, the Bills are presumably thought to be the more colorful, corn-flecked poo log to the sloppy black coil that is the New York Jets. (Apologies for that somewhat gross analogy. But it’s the holidays and I’ve been eating a lot of foods I don’t normally eat and I’ve had a lot of time to ponder such things. And trust me, I thought about this a lot and the Jets are definitely the sloppy black coil. At first I thought the 49ers might be the sloppy black coil, but they’re just straight diarrhea.)
My pick: Buffalo

Carolina at Atlanta (+4)

In this week’s ‘Sports Illustrated,’ the magazine previews 2006 and says of Michael Vick: “… he doesn’t always set his feet, he sprays his throws and he’s killing your fantasy team. You’ve got to let it go because he wins games that his team would never win without him …” and predicts that in 2006 Vick will “like John Elway and Steve Young before him, learn to harness his prodigious talents and become a complete QB, he will be a force to behold.” Now my first reaction to that is to think that any idiot who watched Falcons games this year saw Vick hold his team back just as much as help them. And comparing his progress through five years to where Elway and Young were after five years is absolute lunacy, as Vick is closer to becoming Kordell Stewart at this point than he is to being the next John Elway or Steve Young. But then again, my criticism of Vick proves I hate black people, so I may be biased.
My pick: Atlanta (and to win)

Detroit at Pittsburgh (-13.5)

The Chiefs still have a chance at making the playoffs if the Steelers lose here at home to the Lions. Which is sort of a longer way of saying that the Chiefs have been eliminated from the playoffs.
My pick: Pittsburgh

Arizona at Indianapolis (-6.5)

Let me be the first to extend condolences to Tony Dungy and his family.
My pick: Indianapolis

Seattle at Green Bay (-5)

The Seahawks are planning to sit a lot of their starters. I presume it’s both to let them get healthy for the playoffs and so all of their backup defensive backs can get some practice intercepting passes.
My pick: Seattle (and to win)

Miami at New England (-5)

It’s hard to tell if the media’s mouth is bright red due to all of the chugging they’ve done of late of the Patriots Cool-Aid, or if it’s stubble-burn from their hardcore make-out sessions with Tom Brady and Bill Belichick. Probably both.
My pick: Miami

Cincinnati at Kansas City (-7)

A potent offense but an embarrassingly awful defense. That’s why they have almost zero chance when it comes to the playoffs. As for the Chiefs, their defense has hindered them this year, too.
My pick: Kansas City

Baltimore at Cleveland (+3)

The Ravens announced this week that Brian Billick would be back next season. This means two things. One, the Ravens will suck again next year because Billick will most definitely stick with Kyle Boller. And two, his confidence renewed with management’s vote of confidence, Billick will likely shed the leather jacket and aviator shades this week for something even more a-hole-ish. Like maybe a full-length fur coat and a pimp cane.
My pick: Baltimore

New Orleans at Tampa Bay (-14) 

If the Texans beat the 49ers and all the other crap teams – the Jets, Packers and Saints – lose and finish with three wins on the season, the Saints will get the first pick and Reggie Bush. That means one year after Hurricane Katrina, there could be 1,000 black kids walking around New Orleans in Bush jerseys. Which probably means Fox News would use that to run a story saying the city’s residents have come to love our dear president.
My pick: New Orleans

Houston at San Francisco (+1.5)

Speaking of Reggie Bush, the only time you’ll hear his name mentioned more than during this game is during a USC game. Actually, that’s not true. You can probably hear his name mentioned more when Keith Jackson pleasures himself: “Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Pac-10 football, Pac-10 football, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Pete Carroll, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush, Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooooohhhhhhh, Nelly.”
My pick: Houston

Tennessee at Jacksonville (-3.5)

I suppose if Steve McNair wants to get as much publicity over the end of his career as Brett Favre is getting for his, all he needs to do is stop not embarrassing himself on the field. One wild hurl across your body into quadruple coverage would go a long way, Steve. At least consider it. You don’t deserve to go out like this.
My pick: Tennessee

Chicago at Minnesota (-4)

I admit it. I was wrong. As the last two weeks have shown, Rex Grossman is a far better quarterback than Kyle Orton. Not only that, I believe he is one of the greatest quarterbacks of all-time. And not only that, but I believe it is often hard to convey sarcasm through writing, so it’s important to use sentences like the preceding one to make it clear you were being sarcastic.
My pick: Chicago (and to win)

Washington at Philadelphia (+7)

What does Joe Gibbs want more – a Redskins win to complete their impressive charge into the playoffs or, with Mark Brunell injured, a Redskins loss so he can then blame everything falling apart on Patrick Ramsey? Probably a toss-up.
My pick: Washington

St. Louis at Dallas (-12.5)

I don’t buy this Bill Parcells retirement talk. To me it just sounds like a fat guy fishing for a retirement dinner. Or any dinner at all, really.
My pick: Dallas

Last week vs. spread: 9-5-2
Last week just winner: 11-5

Season vs. spread: 111-119-10
Season just winners: 162-78

***Lukewarm Locks last week: 1-0
***Lukewarm Locks season: 16-10-1